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Ten Easy Ways to make Zombies from Humans

Nazi Zombie

This post was inspired by the randomly abstract Maria Imran but is dedicated to Fahaad Humayun, the Special One, for shining a ray of darkness and hopelessness into our lives.

One of my fellow bloggers recently asked my advice on how to turn humans into zombies.

Well, maybe not exactly. I might have offered to teach her and she may have made a sarcastic reply that I decided to interpret as assent.

So if you think there’s not enough zombies around your district, read on. In no time at all you’ll have so many putrefying corpses reeling down the main street you’ll be slipping over in all the rotting body parts they drop.

No, I’m not going to cop out and reveal the traditional Haitian recipe of datura and pufferfish venom used to turn people into zombies. I’m no Jamie Oliver. You can look it up yourself in any good Caribbean cookbook.

Nor am I going to start encouraging people to summon a demon who will steal the soul from your designated victim, leaving them an empty, shuffling shell. We all know how tetchy summoned demons can be and I don’t want to be blamed after someone reading my blog messes up the binding ritual and gets dragged away for eternal torture in the seventh level of Hell.

Passing on the necromantic techniques used to persuade graveyards to disgorge their decomposing tenants and send them staggering across the countryside in search of brains for breakfast would be cheating. I promised to write about how to make zombies from humans, not corpses.

There’s no point in telling you about the methods the scientific community uses to create zombies either. They guard their patents jealously and I’m sure none of my readers could afford the necessary licence fees.

Instead I’m going to detail the tried and true methods used in respectable, church going communities to turn thinking, feeling human beings into the bewildered, mindless husks we all know and love.

Oh, and don’t forget, I don’t give trigger warnings. If you read to the end of this post and find you have turned into a zombie it’s your own fault.

So here’s my top ten tips for turning friends, family and complete strangers into your unthinking undead slaves.

Enjoy. And keep your chainsaw handy. Just in case.

1. Facilitate their drug addictions

The easiest way to turn someone into a zombie is to get them to do it to themselves. If you know someone who is destroying their mind and willpower with addiction there are many things you can do to speed the process up.
Ayn Rand - Zombie mistress
You can tell them it’s not really harmful and those who say it is are spoilsports or prudes spreading negative propaganda.

Ayn Rand was a particularly successful zombie mistress who managed to convince many of her mindless minions that claims smoking causes cancer were nothing but anti-corporate disinformation. She even managed to turn herself into a zombie after developing lung cancer from her two-pack-a-day habit and resorted to Medicare after decades of telling everyone only stupid, useless parasites go on welfare. My own father was a lifelong Randroid until all the Winfields and Marlboros turned him into a dead one.

If someone expresses a desire to free themselves from their addiction, offer them some more of their drug while telling them that it’s probably too late anyway. They’ll never be able to give it up now and whatever harms it causes have probably already been done. Tell them they need it, that some people just aren’t strong enough to face life without a crutch. Don’t forget to mention they will lose all of their drug using friends who will just see them as a weakling or negativist if they try to clean up their act. Take every opportunity to raise the subject of their drug to them while expressing cynicism over their capacity to free themselves from it. If you too use the drug, be sure to do so while in their presence.

Some drugs are better than others for turning people into zombies, so if your victim uses more than one kind encourage the habit most likely to bring quick results. Alcohol, heroin, tranquillisers, psychiatric medications, day time soap operas and talk-back radio are all excellent zombifiers.

2. Repeatedly abuse someone while telling her you love her

Sexual abuse is the most effective here, especially if you are a clergyman and can tell your victims that God loves them as you stick your clammy hands under their clothes, but this tends to be frowned upon these days so its probably best to use one of the many alternative abusive practices that are still largely accepted within our society.

Punishing people for their own good is encouraged by the most upstanding members of the community. It’s even institutionalised within our criminal justice system and churches. There are many books teaching methods of ‘tough love’ that you can immediately begin using on your own children to destroy their minds and break their will. Be a ‘tiger mother‘ and eat their brain, replacing it with bits of your own.

Domestic violence is a bit of a grey area. People will look down on you if you cause too many obvious injuries or make so much noise they can’t hear “Australia’s Funniest Home Videos”, but as long as you’re reasonably discreet everyone will implicitly acknowledge that bashing your spouse and children is no-one’s business but yours.

One advantage of convincing your victim that love and abuse are the same thing is that even when you’re not there to abuse her she will probably seek out others who will treat her the same way. She may even find a therapist who will convince her she is a serial victim who brings it on herself. After all, there is only a little space differentiating therapists from the rapists.

Turning someone into a zombie and keeping them that way is much easier when you can count on help from the broader community.

3. Tell people they are worthless

One of the hardest things to overcome when turning someone into a zombie is that bright little flame of self-respect that encourages them to hang onto life despite your best efforts to shake them loose. However persistent use of denigration will eventually extinguish it and replace that sparkle in their eye with the dull stare of the living dead.

Everyone has a weakness in their self-image and it’s up to you to find it and hammer ceaselessly away until they crack.

Are they excessively conscious of their body image? If they keep asking you “Do these slacks make my arse look fat?” that’s a good sign they are. The appropriate answer is, “Of course not, dearest. It’s all the cakes and chocolate you eat that makes your arse look fat”.

Even the smartest person has a secret fear that they may be stupid, at least in some important respect. If you know you are unable to point out any shortcomings in their knowledge, logic or analysis the best response is to roll your eyes and say “You just don’t get it, do you?” or sigh and answer “If only you knew”.

While most of us are capable of dissing the behaviour of others directly the most skilled zombie makers approach their victim as a friend, confiding in them that everyone else thinks they are scum. Prepare yourself by making up some really vicious gossip about them that you supposedly overheard from their other ‘friends’.

When the victim is constantly seeking reaffirmation from you, your plan is definitely working. The trick then becomes to hold out the hope that you might actually respect them while showing nothing but contempt. Good lines are “It doesn’t matter what you’re like or what everyone else says, I will always be here for you.” and “Everyone is worthy of love, no matter how many faults they have”.

In the game of life everyone’s a loser. It’s up to you to keep reminding them of that.

4. Get your victim to join a cult

Cult based mind control is a bit over-rated. It rarely works on someone who is not already well on their way to becoming a zombie.

For everyone who signs over their life savings to their ‘auditor’ there are a thousand who tell them where they can stick their dianetics. Even the New Age religion developed by professional CIA brainwashers and promoted by Oprah Winfrey has only been able to attract and hold those who have already been rendered mindless by education, infotainment and peer pressure.

Nonetheless, by purchasing self-help books for your victim and inflicting the inspiring positive messages from desk calendars upon them you can ensure that glaze-eyed grin stays fixed to their face and they will not begin entertaining independent thoughts. When someone comes to believe everything they need to know can be found in a single book it’s not long before all those now unnecessary brain cells begin to shrivel away.

Gurus are extremely skilled at ensuring zombies will not break their thralldom and begin operating as independent human beings. The constant reinforcement of a community of like-mindless former humans will convince your zombie that living is no way to live.

Finding a mind destroying cult is quite easy in this day and age of Aquarius, but actually they’ve always been with us if you know where to look. (Hint: An extremely popular cult has someone who has also risen from the grave as its figurehead. Look for the dead guy nailed to a cross.)

5. Keep invalidating their opinions and lived experience

One feature of living, breathing human beings is that they are constantly learning from experience and expressing themselves creatively. You will need to firmly stamp this out.

Your victim does not have personality, she has symptoms. Everything she says and does can and should be viewed through the prism of her inferiority, pathology or vested interests.

If she disagrees with you it’s because she is a scatterbrained woman. If she resists your commands she is showing signs of borderline personality disorder. If she breaks down and cries at the treatment you dish out she is ’emotionally labile’ or her hormones are acting up again.

Sex work prohibitionists demonstrate considerable proficiency at invalidating their victims.

If a sex worker says she is happy with her job that is evidence she has been driven insane by it. If she is obviously not crazy she is not a true sex worker, she is either lying or her career has been atypical. If she can demonstrate she is a common everyday whore she must be receiving money from pimps and traffickers to lie about her experience. She’s a typical whore, right? She’d do anything for cash.

With a little imagination you will soon be finding ways to apply the same kind of arguments to your victim whether she is a whore, a nun, a process worker or a rocket scientist.

Experienced zombie makers employ ‘gaslighting‘ to convince their victim they are losing their grip on reality.

Always be ready with a glib denial  for any accusations of abuse your victim levels at you. Better is if you can manufacture counter-evidence for the accusation even before the abuse takes place. Such as changing all the clocks in the house to misrepresent the time of your abuse so as to give you an airtight alibi.

Don’t just make her doubt her perceptions of abuse, make her doubt everything from the time of day to what she had for breakfast to the name of her own mother. Soon neither she nor anyone else will believe a single word she says.

Once you have trained your victim to externalise everything she says, does and thinks as ‘her disease’ you will have created another slave for your undead harem.

6. Take over their lives for their own good

Why do you so often see zombies in the company of social workers?
Because social workers are among the most skilled of all zombie makers.

Everybody needs help from somebody sometime. Keep an eye open for this and be ready to exploit it. You will be amazed by how much control you can gain over someone by being ‘helpful’.

The key to zombifying someone through good deeds is to take over vital functions in their day to day life and ensure they cannot wrest them back.

If your victim becomes ill and can’t prepare his own meals, immediately volunteer to do so for him. Right from the start begin rearranging the kitchen so as to make it difficult for him to use it himself. Change the organisation of the cupboards and drawers so he cannot find anything. Change his diet to what you wish to prepare and ensure the ingredients he generally uses are not available. Be sure to tell him his infirmity was at least partly due to the unhealthy food he was eating until you came along. If there are particular cooking implements he favours, ‘accidentally’ break them or toss them out because they are unsanitary sources of infection.

Infantalisation is the key here. When he becomes dependent on you for the basics of existence he will not be in any position to resist as you tighten your control over him.

Decisions are too difficult and exhausting in his weakened state so take them away from him. Pretty soon he will forget he was ever making them. If you involve yourself in anything he does, even in a minor way and in the face of his objections, be sure to ‘own’ it. It is now a shared activity and he has no right to do anything relating to it without consulting with you and reaching a consensus.

By refusing to allow him to do anything for himself he will soon be unable to function independently at all. What may have originally been a brief illness is now a chronic, debilitating condition.

Once you have reduced his self-reliance and willpower to a shadow of what it was, it’s time to begin withdrawing help. Don’t do it gradually as this may give him time to recover. Declare yourself burned out by the stress of caring for a dying invalid and his increasingly unreasonable demands. Then go on a ‘respite’ holiday. This probably means he will have to be put into nursing care for the duration where professionals will take over the task of further reducing his capacity and destroying his morale. Repeat this process with steadily decreasing periods between your burn outs.

Soon everyone will agree it’s time to consider moving him into a nursing home permanently. Try to find one a long distance from any remaining friends he may have.

Now he is a shriveled, hopeless, bedridden shadow of what he once was. You, on the other hand, are universally recognised as an angel for the dedication and self-sacrifice you displayed in caring for such a demanding and tragic case.

7. Take them to a test match

In the late 19th Century zombie mistress Alexandrina Victoria held sway over a fifth of the population of the world. Key to her success was the mind-numbingly boring game of cricket, which was mercilessly inflicted upon her colonial underlings.

In cricket a whole bunch of incredibly dull people dressed in white go and stand in the middle of a featureless green field and do pretty much nothing at all for days on end. After a few days of utter tedium one side or another is declared a winner or, as often as not, there is no result at all. To get a result, cricket requires several consecutive days of clear weather – something that almost never happens in the British Isles of its birth.

Simply sitting through a test match is enough to reduce most people into irretrievable zombiehood but there are several ways to amplify it’s soul sapping banality.

First you should encourage your victim to ‘choose a side’.  In international cricket this usually means clapping politely whenever the eleven obnoxious millionaires who happen to share your nationality seem to have done something. Choosing a side is so mind destroying it can actually make people care about where on the field a small red ball ends up or, especially, if it goes outside the field entirely. Why all the spectators don’t just bring their own red balls and put them where they like is beyond me.

If your victim still has functioning brain cells by the start of the second innings you should introduce him to cricket statistics. Most cricket spectators are only too happy to expend their limited mental capacity on batting averages, run rates, no balls per over, etc. That’s because even accounting is more interesting than cricket.Shayne Warne has not aged well since retiring

But there is a modern innovation that would have put Victoria herself into permanent coma. The cricket commentator.

Carefully selected from the most boring of retired cricketers the commentator is capable of delivering the same weather forecast in the same monotone six times an hour for days on end.

Want to know the name of the wicket keeper’s maiden aunt? Want to know what the 1957 Australian Ashes team had for breakfast on the third day of the second match? Of course not. No-one does. But that won’t stop cricket commentators from telling you. If you think watching the grass grow on a cricket pitch is boring wait until you hear these guys hold a thirty minute conversation about it.

When someone in a Commonwealth country acts unconventionally or breaks a rule or does anything else inconsistent with zombiehood we say “It’s just not cricket”. And it’s not. Nothing even remotely interesting is cricket.

8. Mire them in grief and depression

Depression is a serious and debilitating condition, but with a little effort on your part you can make it a lot worse.

Someone who is severely depressed is already well on the way to being a zombie. She will lay around in darkened rooms all day, fail to attend to her health and grooming, withdraw from friends and acquaintances and generally wish she was dead – and you’re here to help her.

Some of the best things you can say to someone with depression are “You need to snap out of it”  or “I was depressed last week but I didn’t spend all day moping”. By deliberately conflating major depression with self-pity and malingering you not only isolate the sufferer by convincing her no-one understands her, you also encourage her to blame herself and sink even further into the morass.

Contrary to popular believe pessimism is not a cause of depression. It’s a coping mechanism. If your depressed victim expresses despair at the state of the world or fears for the future of a loved one you should tell her it’s no wonder she’s depressed with all that negativity she keeps generating. She needs to put it all behind her and just think happy thoughts about trivial things.

Talk to her GP and psychiatrist. Doctors have years of professional training and clinical experience as well as reams of promotional material from pharmaceutical companies and will be of great assistance in ensuring your victim never recovers.

Tell her she is not depressed because she feels ill or because her life sucks or because you have been abusing her. Tell her she has a defective brain and must take pills for the rest of her life. It’s definitely not her fault. It’s genetic or developmental or fate or something and the whole thing is completely out of her hands. There is nothing she will ever be able to do to fix it, but she may be able to hold it off a bit if she keeps taking pills.

Don’t tell her the pills often don’t work or they can have serious side effect or that they sometimes make depression worse to the point of suicidality. Especially don’t tell her how bad the withdrawal symptoms from the pills might be or how long they can last. Any bad effect from taking the pills is a sign her brain is getting more defective and she needs to take more pills. Any bad effect from stopping taking the pills is absolute proof positive she really does need them and should never, ever consider coming off them again.

If she is depressed because of the death of a loved one she is particularly vulnerable to being turned into a zombie. The dead call the living to themselves you know – or at least you should try to convince her of that.

Experts can help perpetuate grief just as effectively as they perpetuate depression.

Ensure she studies Kübler-Ross and her ‘Five Stages of Grief‘. At any hint she may be starting to accept the death of her loved one be sure to point out that she hasn’t completed the first four stages properly yet. She’ll probably be emotionally crippled for life if she doesn’t spend enough time in the ‘depression’ stage. And what’s she doing being depressed anyway? She hasn’t even worked through the anger stage yet.

At any conceivable cause to remember the deceased – birthday, deathday, mother’s day, Christmas – gather together with your victim and some of her friends and get into a pissing contest over who misses the dead person the most and who was the most devastated by the death. Speak of the dead as if they are actually there with you, checking to see you are still grieving properly.

Paradoxically, telling her the deceased wouldn’t want her to feel so sad is a good way to make her sadder as it will strengthen the impression the ghost is watching and judging her.

Make sure she realises that letting go of her grief is equivalent to letting go of the deceased. If she moves on from the dead she would deserve it if everyone else moved on from her. After all, isn’t she more dead than alive now?

Grief and depression are great ways to create and maintain your collection of zombies. They are particularly likely to induce dissociation and that’s what being a zombie is all about.

9. Choose their education carefully

Those familiar with Pink Floyd’s album ‘The Wall’ are probably under the impression all schools and teachers will destroy the hope, sanity and spirit of any students entrusted to them. Sadly this is no longer the case.

In 1921 A.S. Neill founded Summerhill on the ridiculous notion that schools should be made to fit children instead of the other way around. As a result many of Summerhill’s students finished their education with their will unbroken and their creativity intact. Although education systems worldwide have been largely successful in resisting the spread of Neill’s non-toxic ideology there are still isolated educators influenced by his ideas who are failing in their duty to reduce their charges to emotional and intellectual putty to be moulded according to the needs of society’s soulless institutions.

Don’t get me wrong. Even the most airy-fairy arty-farty hippy schools have teachers who appreciate the vital role humiliation and denigration play in turning children into the guilt wracked, insecure drudges the economy and community demand. But gone are the days you could count on the sort of discipline, indoctrination and outright sadism so vital for your child’s education.

Those who can afford it should always send their children to elite boarding schools with long traditions of hazing and fagging. Students of such schools are encouraged to reach out to each other with bullying and sexual abuse creating a atmosphere supportive of the annihilation of your child as an independent individual. After completing his education in such an institution he will be fully prepared to surrender any remnants of his morality and humanity to the hierarchy of the corporation the old boys network will place him in. He will then be ready to demonstrate the same sort of tyranny and bastardisation to lower ranking employees.

Remember, the key to any successful zombie apocalypse is contagion.

10. Television is your friend

This blogpost is not the place to detail all the reasons and techniques the mass media has for turning people into zombies. Ed Herman and Noam Chomsky wrote a whole book about it and barely scratched the surface. If you work in media or marketing and want to enhance your doubtless already considerable zombie making skills I’d recommend zombie grandmaster Edward Bernays‘ essay ‘The Engineering of Consent‘. No one in the history of the world has created more zombies than Bernays.

But you don’t have to be a public relations guru to use the media as a force multiplier to your own efforts to break the spirits of those you pretend to care about.

Millions of parents across the country rely on the television not only as a babysitter, but as a means of eliminating any incipient independent thought in their offspring. Even the most abusive daycare attendant is no match for Hi-5 when it comes to reducing children to gibbering, drooling automata. The downside of using a television to destroy your kid’s willpower is that some other zombie master may gain control of them. There is a well known clown who is notorious for making zombie kids buy toxic waste on a bun instead of eating good wholesome human brains.

Don’t imagine it’s just the advertisements that are designed to facilitate the zombie making process. Cartoons, movies, documentaries, current affairs, news, sports and especially reality TV; all will contribute to the elimination of critical faculties of those in their thrall.

If an outbreak of interesting conversation looks like it may lift the zombie curse you have placed upon your household, simply switch on the TV and watch everyone subside into silent, vacuous staring.

A final word.

Having read this far you are now fully equipped to turn friends and family into a shambling army of undead. The real challenge is finding people who have not already been turned into zombies.

The zombie apocalypse has been with us at least since we gave up our nomadic lives as hunter gatherers and began appointing kings and police and fencing off the land and our minds, so there are very few who have not long since shaken off their human existence to join the legion of the damned.

You will rarely find someone above five years old who has not already been thoroughly zombified, but not to worry. There can be few things more satisfying than crushing the trust and hope out of young children to prepare them for a non-life of thralldom to government and big business.

Very few of the methods detailed above will result in your listing on a child abuser register. Indeed, zombie makers are highly valued in our schools and day care centres. Most people believe that satanic ritual abuse involves black candles, skulls and sacrifice so chances are you will be able to carry out your zombifying practices right under their noses without attracting suspicion. Indeed, you will probably be praised for having a classroom full of such quiet and obedient children.

The horror and hopelessness people will feel upon seeing what your work has done will make them more vulnerable to your soul-destroying ministrations, so the more zombies you make the easier it will become. Soon the tiny proportion of people who have escaped zombiedom thus far will have nowhere to turn – except to you.

Don’t wait for a moonless night or a portentous thunderstorm, you should see every interaction you have as an opportunity to make someone a little less alive, a little more undead.

And remember, MOOORE BRAIIINZ!!


Hat tip to Maggie McNeill for detailing how sex work prohibitionists try to silence the voices of sex workers.

From → ACIM

  1. Well you did justice with the topic, Congrats !
    While reading it seemed to me like you were sharing your own life experiences (As far as I have known you through your posts and discussions ) . Then I guessed may be you were a human too , long time ago !
    Turned out I am really a zombie 😛 A dead alive !


  2. You my friend (you are my friend now) have been granted five wishes by a living human. and they will be fulfilled because YOU MADE ME LAUGH, yes, I dont ever ever laugh or even smile on anyone’s remarks or words or anything, but the TEST MATCH thing was way too much.

    also in-spite of this much sarcasm in one post, i was a bit disappointed. I am not a zombie or a living corpse. I adore new experiences, chose my education for myself and absolutely love the classes and lectures, no one is there to force their opinions, and well pretty much I can safely say that I have saved myself from all these things for a long time now, i guess i was 15 when i realized i will turn into a zombie if i followed the society’s norms and my parent’s advice.

    hey i haven’t turned anyone into a zombie, but i did try some of those things on some girls and they dont work 😦 i would be absolutely thrilled if i could turn someone into a zombie but humans are so boring and shit. instead i am going to post about how to live without talking and depending on humans. but i realized actually there are only humans in this world but still i delude myself that Fifa and football are played and designed by aliens. and I am absolutely fine biologically, but i had to do a lot to save myself from therapists. in the end i did the only thing i hate. i said fine, i will do whatever you people say, just let me go back to University, and here I am enjoying my life again 😀


    • I kinda guessed you might like the test match one.

      I definitely defer to your zombie making skills though Fahaad. When it comes to spreading darkness and driving away hope I’m just a novice compared to you.

      Thanks for the advice on how to do it properly in the latest post on your blog.

      If you think of any more good zombie making ideas I hope you’ll add them to the comments here.
      I’d hate to think any of my readers tried my entire ten methods on someone and still couldn’t turn them into a zombie.


      • well how about this, people have tried these ten methods plus the ones I wrote and still here I am, not a zombie and I mean it. I have ambition, originality and hopes, not to mention I love new things.

        and yes i realized people dont get sarcasm and now I am going to be as blunt as I can and ofcourse, hope only gets you get raped by your husband night in , night out. Did you know that according to Islam, a woman cant say no to sex to her husband and girls my age only want to get married. 😛


  3. > If someone expresses a desire to free themselves from their addiction, offer them some more of their drug while telling them that it’s probably too late anyway.
    > One of the hardest things to overcome when turning someone into a zombie is that bright little flame of self-respect that encourages them to hang onto life despite your best efforts to shake them loose.
    > Everyone has a weakness in their self-image and it’s up to you to find it and hammer ceaselessly away until they crack.
    > Paradoxically, telling her the deceased wouldn’t want her to feel so sad is a good way to make her sadder as it will strengthen the impression the ghost is watching and judging her.
    > By deliberately conflating major depression with self-pity and malingering you not only isolate the sufferer by convincing her no-one understands her, you also encourage her to blame herself and sink even further into the morass.

    I don’t know why I quoted your own best lines, but I wanted to tell you I loved reading this! 🙂


    • Thanks for giving me the idea to write it.

      I’d been looking for a way to write about some of those topics that wouldn’t sound preachy and self-righteous and your suggestion gave me a good framework for it.

      The idea also worked for completely different personal reason and came at the perfect time.


  4. VelaneDeBeaute permalink

    Oh my gosh. Am I already a Zombie? O.o
    P.S. Worthily dedicated to Fahaad. 😀


  5. Rexie permalink

    Number two is my favorite. It is pervasive, this love nonsense and how we constantly brainwash each other! I have come to this sincere conclusion that true love is to neglect each other and grant each other that freedom.

    Btw, I have realised just after reading your post I am not a zombie yet. Don’t know if it’s a good news or a bad one. I don’t feel human either so I must be a stone with a brain.


    • true love is to neglect each other and grant each other that freedom.

      Now that’s an aphorism I can relate to.
      I bet we won’t be seeing it on any New Age desk calendars soon though.


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