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On a mission from Jesus – The ACIM files (part 1)


My uncle is a homegrown guru.

I don’t mean he’s the Swami of Sinsemilla or anything useful like that.
My sister is the only one in the family interested in the physical and spiritual wellbeing of humanity and she keeps it strictly legal.

A message from Jesus, via the CIA.

I mean my uncle does Miracles™.

No. Seriously.

He’s taught himself Miracle Working Through Fuzzy Thinking.
From a book.
And now he wants to teach you.
And sell you the book.

It all started in 1960s New York when Jesus came back to help out the CIA with one of its mind control programs.

Bill and Helen were CIA psychologists working on a kind of Myers-Brigg test that would say what kind of brainwashing was most suited to the needs of a specific client.
Most of Bill’s professional life had been dedicated to working on CIA brainwashing projects of one kind or another.
Helen probably didn’t even know who she worked for.

Bill was Helen’s boss and had been an early adopter of the MKULTRA human resource management system whereby employees are alternately bullied and patronised while LSD is intermittently slipped into their drinks.
Subsonic generators hidden in home and office may then be triggered at leisure to convince the novice minion that she has started hearing voices in her head.

By using employee development programs like this it was hoped that agents and analysts would become completely committed to their work, completely devoted to their superiors and completely loyal to their country.
Of course some of them went completely batshit.
It was a relatively new field of research after all.

Cult devotees were later to refer to the systematic destruction of Helen’s will and sanity as The Invitation.

To Bill’s initial chagrin, Helen insisted the voices were not saying “Work sets you free”, “My country, right or wrong” and “William Thetford is an Ascended Master”.

Because what had been whirling through Helen’ head over and over, until they took her off hold, was
“Hello? Hello? This is Jesus. Hello? Does this thing work?
Oy vey and Me Almighty! It’ll be a miracle if I can get a cheap stenographer this way.”
Following 45 minutes of high rotation heavenly choir music, Helen was finally connected to The Caller Himself.

It seems Jesus had been reading a lot of Madame Blavatsky and Mary Baker Eddy and thought it was about time to counter the competition with an updated and revised edition of His earlier work.
A Newer Testament.
However the publisher exercised strict control over copy and had so far refused to convene the Council of Nicaea necessary to approve His changes.

“So if you can take just a little dictation for me and send it up on one of those brainwave beam satellites or whatever you guys use I’d be real grateful. I can’t give you world domination or anything like that – that’s the other guy’s schtick – but I can do a very nice seafood buffet with all the wine you can drink”.

Being a true visionary, Bill immediately saw that his little setback had opened up vast new opportunities.
And being a long time CIA operative, he always had an eye to his retirement plan.
Think ‘Air America’ or ‘Nugan Hand Bank’.
He went to work immediately typing and collating Helen’s notes, editing and clarifying The Lord’s message and sticking his own photo on the flyleaf.

Um … I made up the bit about the photo.
Actually no one turned up for book signings.
Not the Holy Ghost. Neither of the spooks.
Well, not so you could see them at least.

As the New Revelation underwent its gestation things were not looking up for MKULTRA.

At first no one paid much attention when conservative middle class Americans began taking off their clothes, barking like dogs, having kinky sex in motel rooms and throwing themselves off buildings.

It was the 1960s.

But when the media realised some of the blissfully flapping streakers plummeting from hotel windows were government agents Congress immediately roused itself to its usual ineffectual torpor.

The Rockefeller and Church commissions made things embarrassing for the many hundreds of psychologists and psychiatrists who had been on the  MKULTRA payroll.
Especially ones who worked for university based institutes that were really fronts for MKULTRA.
Like Bill and Helen.
Even more especially for ones who did that while heading up illegal MKULTRA subprojects.
Like Bill.

So the MKULTRA veterans had a final rave party around a huge bonfire of files  before dispersing to various secret projects in the Navy, Air Force, DARPA and PR industry that had nothing whatsoever to do with their former jobs in interrogation and illegal brainwashing.
Bill went to California to start a religion and do top secret work at Travis Air Base that had no connection at all to MKULTRA. No connection. Not a bit.
Helen went crazy and died cursing “That Book”.

A few years later Bill was dead too, of one of the massive unheralded heart attacks those in The Agency call “natural causes”.
But not before he had started a cult movement that was to spread its tentacles inspiring message to millions of suckers worldwide.


For an excellent non-satirical critique of A Course in Miracles see Timothy Conway’s analysis.

From → ACIM, books

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