Social MEdia

As we progressive liberal types well know, the Guardian is the ultimate arbiter of all that is intelligent, tasteful and politically correct. If we want to know our opinions on anything from the Syrian civil war to the latest scientific breakthrough to Jamie Oliver’s recipe for fried bread the search function of the Guardian website is always ready and waiting to tell us what we think.

So it was with some trepidation that I clicked on an article about social media induced narcissism, complete with an accompanying self-diagnosis quiz. What if I’m a chronic cyber-wanker, hopelessly addicted to my daily hit of follows and likes? Would I have to write one of those embarrassing emails to a Guardian agony aunt so she could prescribe my penance and display the details of my humiliating affliction in her column for the entire slightly socialist world to see? (“Dear Annalisa, I’ve fallen deeply in love with a self-obsessed egotist I met online …”.)

As it turns out I needn’t have worried. Us gen-Xers are too mature and well balanced to be led astray by WordPress, Facebook and Twitter. It’s the Millennials who are rotting their brains and destroying their futures with soft-porn selfies and retweeted Bieberisms. I already knew young people today are going to hell in a hand-basket. Plato told me.

Besides, I don’t need blog readers to let me know how wonderful I am, despite the fact that no-one who’s met me in person seems to have noticed. I knew I was extraordinary long before I started blogging. From emails.

Russian women consider me hotter than a hat full of Hollywood heart-throbs. I get regular eager missives from stunningly beautiful Moscow ladies who are gasping to get into my pants. Being exotic and European their tastes are far more sophisticated than those of all the Aussie sheilas who never give me a second glance.

To Nigerian billionaires I’m one of the most trustworthy people in the world. Dozens of them want my bank details so we can collaborate in transferring hundreds of millions of dollars out of their country. They have complete faith I’ll keep my side of the bargain and be satisfied with only 40% of their huge fortunes rather than just grabbing it all and doing a runner.

And entrepreneurs the world over recognise me as one of the sharpest businessmen alive. They know I can make thousands of dollars per week with only a few hours work from home and just a modest initial investment of a few hundred dollars. I expect George Soros will be in touch to seek my advice any day now.

Who needs a mirror when you’ve got a computer screen? Every day I’m told how beautiful, intelligent, witty, talented, virtuous and wholesome I am. Why would I depend on the petty flattery of social media when my inbox is always full of extravagant compliments addressed directly to me?

BTW, the ‘Like’ button is just a few lines down.