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Social MEdia


As we progressive liberal types well know, the Guardian is the ultimate arbiter of all that is intelligent, tasteful and politically correct. If we want to know our opinions on anything from the Syrian civil war to the latest scientific breakthrough to Jamie Oliver’s recipe for fried bread the search function of the Guardian website is always ready and waiting to tell us what we think.

So it was with some trepidation that I clicked on an article about social media induced narcissism, complete with an accompanying self-diagnosis quiz. What if I’m a chronic cyber-wanker, hopelessly addicted to my daily hit of follows and likes? Would I have to write one of those embarrassing emails to a Guardian agony aunt so she could prescribe my penance and display the details of my humiliating affliction in her column for the entire slightly socialist world to see? (“Dear Annalisa, I’ve fallen deeply in love with a self-obsessed egotist I met online …”.)

As it turns out I needn’t have worried. Us gen-Xers are too mature and well balanced to be led astray by WordPress, Facebook and Twitter. It’s the Millennials who are rotting their brains and destroying their futures with soft-porn selfies and retweeted Bieberisms. I already knew young people today are going to hell in a hand-basket. Plato told me.

Besides, I don’t need blog readers to let me know how wonderful I am, despite the fact that no-one who’s met me in person seems to have noticed. I knew I was extraordinary long before I started blogging. From emails.

Russian women consider me hotter than a hat full of Hollywood heart-throbs. I get regular eager missives from stunningly beautiful Moscow ladies who are gasping to get into my pants. Being exotic and European their tastes are far more sophisticated than those of all the Aussie sheilas who never give me a second glance.

To Nigerian billionaires I’m one of the most trustworthy people in the world. Dozens of them want my bank details so we can collaborate in transferring hundreds of millions of dollars out of their country. They have complete faith I’ll keep my side of the bargain and be satisfied with only 40% of their huge fortunes rather than just grabbing it all and doing a runner.

And entrepreneurs the world over recognise me as one of the sharpest businessmen alive. They know I can make thousands of dollars per week with only a few hours work from home and just a modest initial investment of a few hundred dollars. I expect George Soros will be in touch to seek my advice any day now.

Who needs a mirror when you’ve got a computer screen? Every day I’m told how beautiful, intelligent, witty, talented, virtuous and wholesome I am. Why would I depend on the petty flattery of social media when my inbox is always full of extravagant compliments addressed directly to me?

BTW, the ‘Like’ button is just a few lines down.

From → narcissism

  1. SMiLes.. Social media is
    An Anthropoligist Dream
    Come true but not a
    Healthy place
    For a Timid
    It helps them
    Break out.. Express
    Themselves more fully
    In the flesh world.. As Fearless
    Is the best way of life in expressing
    Love along with all the challenges
    With or without likes.. i never
    Expect friends or likes
    As i pander to zero
    For group think..
    The reward is
    Peace of mind
    For me now..
    At least.. Anyway..
    Social media is
    A platform for the
    Art of me as the rest of
    The oyster is when Free..:)


  2. Good on yer and glad to have a you (me included) to whom these likes and comments may be addressed. So how is it, in real life?


    • In real life I’m getting a bit tired of blogging.

      I haven’t really got all that much to say and I’m running out of different ways to say it so my time is probably better spent paying attention to the bits of my world that aren’t displayed on a screen.

      I’m compiling some photos of the nearby creek and will probably post a pictorial essay of it in a few weeks (I’ve finally got decent speed broadband so I might as well use it, though my camera has decided to become uncooperative recently) and since I found out my niece has got caught up in a multi-level marketing (MLM) scam I’ve been thinking of a post that compares the cultish MLM of Arbonne that got my niece with the MLMish cult of ACIM that got my uncle, but apart from that I’m feeling more and more inclined to keep my thoughts to myself. Though I must admit I’m tempted use the blog to explain why I sincerely hope Donald Trump becomes the next president of the US.


      • I have similar feelings, there comes a time when the blog has said it all and it needs to widen somehow. I started n Art page, I’ve taken time off to compile the posts into a journal in book form. There are som many social issues to write about but I can’t find the energy to focus on a particular issue because the whole thing looks pretty ugly and depressing. The entire scenario is manipulated. And I’m curious also to see how Trump fares, he’s a self supporting candidate and not beholden to the powers that be, shadowy figures unseen. It could mean a real cleaning out and re-fresh.


        • If writing about social issues could change anything I’d have perfected the world sometime between my 10th submission to parliament and my 100th press release for activist groups.

          Trump isn’t beholden to the powers that be because as a brain dead billionaire sociopath he is the powers that be. At least electing him would cut out the middle man.

          I’ve read some stuff by progressive Americans who want Trump to be elected in order to highlight the ethical and intellectual bankruptcy of their political system in the hope it will bring on some kind of revolution, but as someone who lived through two elections of Richard Nixon – not to mention Ronnie and George – I’m a bit skeptical. But what Watergate did was allow politicians in US vassal states such as Australia to break with their usual practice of grovelling to Washington and implement some foreign policy that benefited their own countries instead of the US.

          I don’t think Trump is likely to drag Australia into yet another pointless bloodbath. Hillary on the other hand …

          The Don for Prez!
          What, me worry?


  3. im more than a year late to this party, but damn… the part about the emails made me laugh so much. and the final sentence xD


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