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The best laid plans …

08/01/2021

I don’t really know why I lived. Oh, I can think of hundreds, thousands, of reasons I stayed alive when I might have died, but I don’t know how many other reasons may have been out there, ready to save me. Humans are durable. But if I’d died there would have been thousands of reasons for that too. I just wouldn’t be thinking about them all the time.

So I don’t think the causes and karma and influences and destiny of it are worth talking about really. All I know is that I was sure I would kill myself. And I didn’t. All I learned is that I can be very wrong about myself in a fundamental way for a long time.

The plan probably helped. I knew having a plan was a Very Bad Sign. That’s why I never spoke of it. With a plan I was only an hour or two from escape. I could handle an hour or two. It meant I didn’t have to act on impulse when a train was thundering towards the platform or a cliff edge looming ahead. I could keep it over sixty minutes away. Far enough for safety. Close enough for comfort.

Having a plan meant I was ‘an imminent danger to myself’. It must stay secret. If people found out I’d have to act quickly, before they could put me somewhere I couldn’t act. I might mess up. Severely disabled but still conscious. Trapped in a hell beyond hopelessness. Frozen in the amber of my despair. Suicidality is a loneliness that dares not cry for help.

When the end came it was as quick as I’d hoped and not at all what I’d expected. A near decade of darkness lifted in an instant. I don’t know how I lived through it. I don’t know why it stopped. Things didn’t go according to plan.

I think planning to die meant I didn’t have to.

4 Comments
  1. Smiles No one
    Can Ask A Butterfly
    How Much Torture
    It Is to
    LiVE iN
    A Cocoon

    Yet
    It’s Easy
    To See A
    Butterfly

    With

    Wings

    Fly Perhaps
    That’s Why i

    Dance
    i No
    Longer
    Hide Beyond Free

    Depression is
    Literally Out
    Of Touch With Wings

    If Only
    Those Who
    Die In Cocoons

    Will Not
    Give
    Up
    On Wings…

    Like

  2. I know these feelings and these thoughts. But I’m so glad you held off— and the darkness lifted. For me I told a trusted friend and she responded in a way that helped me immensely. She said she understood that life can be too painful to continue but that she wanted to stay with me and support me even if I chose to die. This was an affirmation beyond my wildest dreams and shortly thereafter the darkness also lifted for me — and has never returned.

    Peace and love
    Phoebe

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We need people like you in this world. Never close your eyes to that one tiny ray of hope. And yeah look who is saying that haha. But we gottta keep moving you know! no matter how hard it is.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the kind words Lala.

      I think the suicidality that was with me from childhood and which culminated in almost a decade of nearly constant suicidal thoughts is behind me for good now. The epiphany I had in October 2012 changed how I see myself, my universe and suffering in a way that makes suicide seem utterly redundant.

      About a year ago I started working with my old activist group again. Most of what I do is concerned with radically changing how mental health services operate in this country and their failure to address rising suicide rates is a big part of that. So that’s got me thinking about suicide and my own attemps, suicidal thoughts and failure to find help throughout my life.

      It’s all good though.

      Like

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