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Dying? I’ll get to that.

21/12/2019

I’ve been thinking about suicide again lately. Not about killing myself. About all the time I spent wanting to kill myself. And about the rising suicide rates across the developed world. And about what help there could be for someone who wants to die.

I blame the Productivity Commissioners. When I spoke to them a few weeks back I was trying to explain how forced psychiatry poisons the well for all users of mental health services. How when I was suicidal I knew I couldn’t seek professional help without risking my physical freedom and medical autonomy. I sure knew being thrown into a locked ward and forced to take unpleasant drugs wasn’t going to make me want to live.

I could have told them what I’ve learned through research. That suicide rates are high and rising. That those who receive mental health services for suicidality are more likely to kill themselves. That it’s been known for almost twenty years that antidepressants significantly increase suicide risk but they’re still routinely given to suicidal people. But why would I tell them what I’ve read when I could tell them what I’ve lived?

What I couldn’t have told them is why I no longer want to kill myself. I can’t tell anyone that. I think I ‘know’ but I can’t articulate it.

Peter Breggin seems right. He often does. When I wanted to die it was because I felt hopeless.

So does giving people hope make them want to live? I don’t know. I don’t have hope. Turns out I didn’t need it. And I don’t want to live. Nor do I want to die. I’ll just take it as it comes when it comes. But I’m not apathetic, fatalistic or nihilistic. It’s more like I’m dissolved. It feels great but I guess I’m coming off a low base.

From → unclassified

2 Comments
  1. Donald J Trump is Still Supported
    NoW By 75 Percent of Evangelical
    Christians i LiVE iN an Emotionally
    Disturbed World Ignorant of Truth
    in Light/Love Need i say more….
    Someone Oh God Finally
    Spoke up in ‘out’ of ‘That
    Group’ A ‘Christian Today’
    Magazine Editor’ Chastised
    For Defending Truth Now By the
    Deceased Billy Graham According
    to His Son.. not sure if he is his only Son…
    In Other ‘Good News’ 62 Percent of Female
    College Students Experience Panic Attacks
    that’s up from 31 Percent in 2011.. Doubling the
    Percentage in 5 Years as of 2016.. Teenage Female
    Depression Has Skyrocketed since 2007.. Loneliest now
    Ever Reported in 2018 are Teenage Girls.. God Yes.. and
    of course this is an Important Future KPI Key Performance
    Indicator of any Success of Society at all for Females are still
    the Social Bonding Success Story of All Societies For All times
    Considered through All HiStory to Date that Would not exist
    except for HeRstory of Love Still what Glues Society together
    to Hold Hands
    Enough
    to Survive
    and have any
    real chance for
    Thrive the Hope
    that Rises every Morning
    As Sunshine.. Smiles of course
    While Women are twice as Likely
    to attempt Suicide… Success is owned
    by Men Three Times over.. Empathy Still
    Wins out over Violence in the Darkest Days
    of the Every Day Woman Still.. Depression is
    the Leading Cause of Disability World Wide
    Merry Christmas
    Happy Holidays
    The Grinch
    is President
    of the United States
    What are we going to do next
    in this Reality Show of Chaos now…
    THere was once a Day WHere Females
    are the Champions of Emotional Success in
    Resolving Conflicts of course that is because they
    Cooperated enough with each other in Flesh and Blood
    to FucKinG LEarn how to do it at all.. Likes on Facebook
    do not
    do the
    Trick
    and
    Treat
    of Getting along
    in Flesh and Blood..
    Oh how the lonely
    cry dry eyes of Blood
    Oh how hard it is to LIve
    As A Corpse only a Ghost of
    A Human Wandering the Earth
    not even realizing they are Dead Inside
    it sneaks up that way.. you get busy in School
    and Work.. the Warm and Fuzzies Disappear
    All Becomes Work and Johnny is no longer a
    Happy Boy Sitting Still With Quiet hands
    that wanna play Glued to a Desk
    With Quiet Feet that only
    wanna Jump around
    in Rough and
    Tumble
    Play
    to eventually develop
    A Back Bone to Survive
    Just to Survive and Thrive at all..
    Now it’s an After School Brightly Lit Screen at
    A Desk or even smaller.. a 6 inch Scream of Screen so far
    Away From the Horizon.. When Boys and Girls no Longer play
    they Fall Down no Different than Toy Soldiers Addicted to Drugs..
    Smiles my FRiEnD Veterans of Pain and Numb We Are now too..
    The Nice thing about Having No Hope is Fear may Disappear too..
    i remember
    Walking
    Through
    Lightening Storms
    Just Daring the Night Sky
    to Strike me.. it didn’t matter
    i didn’t FucKinG Care at all then
    i was no Matter i was no Matter
    at all i was no Ego even after i developed
    an inner voice there was no warmth of Sunshine within…
    Now i am complete since 7.19.13.. honest to God a Miracle
    happened it happens it just happens i rose from Black Hole Sun
    into Rays of Sun that Never Get Tired
    of Shining and
    Will Forgive
    a ‘Dagger
    While
    it Twists
    in My Gut’
    not afraid to Feel the
    Pain for i will melt it away
    just by raising my Arm in a Dance of Bliss.. a moment later the Present
    of Now Real.. Smiles.. it’s a simple answer too simple but i’ve truly come
    to the (my) Conclusion that Dance still is the Solution to all the World’s Ills..
    but only when We Escape the PriSons oF All the Layers of Cultural Clothes
    that continue to Multiply more than the Rabbits (Males and Females no
    no longer Wanting to do the ‘wild thing’ WITH EACH OTHER) We aRe
    DWinDLinG So We
    no longer eat
    the Face of
    (God)
    Nature
    as
    Much
    for the
    Zombie Apocalypse
    We Have become
    over Consuming
    each
    other
    And the rest of Nature in Pain and Numb…
    Nature Smiles the Flowers Bloom Now we
    Own the Misery and Suffering of HumanKind
    is what we have done storing Grain in Silos
    so Far Away from the Naked Dance of a Hug
    Keeping Warmth in Winter of the Soul… NoW
    So.. Merry Christmas
    Year ‘Round NoW…
    my Christmas
    Tree Continues
    to Color more
    Lit.. Head to Toe And So Much More i cannot measure.. either
    i found/find a way to bring the Sunshine Back Within For Real
    (the Eternal Force of Love Now) or it found/finds me what is
    the difference THere is none when Sun Shines for Real NoW
    how did i know when it came/coomes back? ‘That Day of Lightening’
    that i ran to escape the Night Strike and once again Now found/find Warm
    Arms of Wife (Life)
    As far
    as i can
    tale that’s
    the Verb of
    God that is Real
    Just Loving Life
    for People who have
    Been WHere We have been
    for me at Last Now after Seeing
    Hell in a Corpse A Ghost wandering
    the Earth for 66 Months Life is Heaven
    when it literally is Loving Life that’s (Good)
    God enough
    for me
    God
    enough
    For Real (Love)
    Never the Less Happy Holidays!
    Some Now Continue to Breathe ‘The
    Wind’ Alive some do not.. And thanks For
    the Inspiration as i continue to Hurricane
    through arriving alive..
    Even past
    55 soon
    enough to hit
    Sixty Miles Per HouR A Minute A Mile
    Faster than the Speed oF LiGHT( Love)
    Other than That it’s the Shortest Day of the
    Year it now is a Very Cold and Dreary Rainy
    Day Just Another Great Day to Visit ‘The Dark Side
    of the Moon’ With That Feeling of Win that no matter
    What Now at Least
    The Full Moon
    NoW is mine
    in Sunshine
    of Rays
    that
    never end on Cold Cloudy
    Dark Dreary Shortest Day
    for Now just to know/feel/
    sense this still has and still can
    And will go away again Makes a Dark Day Like
    This even more Delicious to Smell and Taste..
    That And the Fact that i am getting Older and
    Closer to Death Each Day a delicacy more oh how
    the Dark
    and Light
    Are
    finely
    Tuned for
    Human Love and Bliss
    the Capstone the Meaning
    that’s Real oF iT ALL at least to/for me..
    With That Said gonna Celebrate the Grinch (DarK)
    “FucK”
    (iF YoU
    SeeK)
    ‘You
    Trump’
    WiTH
    A SMiLE
    (hehe to
    be clear
    not you)
    i’ve been
    You and i Survive Now…
    i Thrive Now… ‘FucK’ (’em in LiGHT) All the
    God ‘Dammed’ ‘Trumps’ Wish You Were Here too WHere
    Out of A Clogged Grinch Septic Tank i am now just to Live See and be God (Love)
    Capstone of THE REAL Pyramid Love so far away from a Dollar BiLL Grinch (Trump) God.
    What Is God? YoU LoVE iT ALL THere is no Point in Labeling IT unless You wanna Give and Share.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I reckon that song would be better as pure acappella. I bet that’s how they do it live but some record company producer decided it needed some bells and whistles.

    Well, if you’re looking for a world free of ignorance you’d better not look to me. I’m made of the stuff. I’m so ignorant I even forget how ignorant I am and start imagining I know things. Like right now.

    While I find Trump personally and politically repulsive I don’t begrudge the God botherers their faith in him. To imagine any politician is willing or able to improve your personal situation requires a huge leap of faith and that’s one thing Evangelical Christians have in spades. Whatever gets them through the night.

    I was at an Alpha course when the news of Trump’s victory came through and pretty much all the Christians in the room cheered (I wasn’t the only non-Christian on the course). I’d known them for months by then and knew plenty of them were sensitive, intelligent and humane, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask why they supported Trump. Fact is, I was glad he’d won too. I was convinced (and still am) that if HRC had moved into the Oval Office she’d pretty much immediately drag Australia into another US imperialist war with most of our country’s self-imagined progressives and white feminists lining up behind her. At least Trump has made standing up to Washington’s bullying an option for Australian centrists; even an orange clod can have a silver lining. Too bad about what he’s done for Americans who aren’t white billionaires.

    I don’t give much credence to the metrics of psychiatric diagnoses. The number of people who are ‘depressed’ or who’ve reported panic attacks depends far more on externals – whatever the DSM committee has most recently published or how effective programs to get people diagnosed are or what breaks and benefits various institutions offer for people with a diagnosis or fashions in psychiatric stigma – than it does on the internal states of ‘patients’. Disability is also a social construct that depends more on workplace demands and acceptable levels of deviance than it does on medical or psychological conditions. I was able to hold down a very lucrative IT career for two decades with the sort of problems that now render me disabled because the IT workplace culture has changed so much since then. Ironically it was my (now abolished) Asperger’s that first made me a hotshot analyst/programmer and later made me unacceptable in a managerialist workplace. So now I’ve lost my diagnosis but kept my disability.

    OTOH, although there’s some fuzzy edges with how cause of death is determined and recorded, for the vast majority of dead people if they committed suicide this year they will still be considered to have committed suicide next year and if they didn’t they won’t. That’s not the case with, say, ‘major depression’, which has vastly increased since DSM-5 abolished the bereavement exemption. And once they get you on the pills any withdrawal symptoms you get trying to quit will be framed as a return of your ‘disease’. So a temporary crisis becomes a chronic condition. That’s a big reason ‘depression’ rates keep rising and, with them, drug prescriptions and Big Pharma profits. That said, I do think population levels of subjective suffering have risen a lot in recent decades. I just don’t think psychiatric diagnoses accurately reflect them, partly because psychiatry incorrectly assumes they can be objectified.

    DSM diagnoses are now fairly reliable – which means that unlike in the pre-DSM-III days different doctors will usually agree about diagnoses – but they’re still not valid. There is nothing objective – such as biomarkers – that can be used to determine whether or not most DSM labels actually reflect a disease state, much less indicate an etiology, prognosis or effective treatment.

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