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The cure

31/03/2017

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than have to have a frontal lobotomy.
– Randy Hanzlick, M.D.

Are you troubled by disturbing thoughts?
Do you hear voices or see faces?
Are you sensitive to light, sound or smells?
Do you feel pain or emotional distress?

If you answered any of these questions you could be suffering from consciousness.

Consciousness is a mysterious condition that has baffled experts for centuries. But a cure is finally at hand.

Researchers at the Jack Daniels Institute of Inebriation Studies have employed advanced neuro-imaging techniques to finally answer the age old question “What is consciousness?”.

Normal brain

There's nothing wrong with tweaking data to reify a good theory. Anthropomorphising the lump of meat in your skull is perfectly mainstream neuroscience.

Conscious brain

Consciousness is a disease caused by a deficiency of alcohol in the brain.

It’s medicine. Trust us.

This startling breakthrough has enabled the development of a reliable, plant-based medication that can alleviate the symptoms of consciousness or even eliminate them entirely. By taking a modest dose upon awakening, followed by regular boosters throughout the day, over 95% of clinical trial subjects were able to keep the most severe effects of consciousness at bay. In larger doses it relieves consciousness completely and permanently.

The first step to getting proper treatment is overcoming the stigma of consciousness, a humiliating infirmity that makes you weak, unreliable, ugly, pathetic and causes everyone to secretly hate you. Almost all serious crime is committed by offenders undergoing episodes of consciousness.

At your friendly local liquor outlet you will find sensitive, well trained alcohologists. Ask them if they have something that will relieve your consciousness. Upon request they will put it in a brown paper bag to help you hide the shame of being so defective.

Remember, banishing consciousness is up to you. Don’t wait until psychiatrists or police have to do it for you.

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From → unclassified

2 Comments
  1. This post has made me feel so much better about my need to imbibe…occasionally. Thanks.

    Like

    • Unfortunately I can’t find the time to obliterate myself with alcohol. Too many other interesting chemicals to check out.

      Liked by 1 person

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