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A wrong number


me: “Hello, it’s Michael.”

woman’s voice: “Is Gerald there?”

me: “No, Gerald’s not here.”

woman’s voice: “Are you sure? Would you please check?”

me: “If Gerald’s here he must be hiding in the linen cupboard.”

woman’s voice: “Why would he be in there?”

me: “The bastard must be after my collection of vintage teapot cosies! I’ll fix him!” *click*

From → autobiography

  1. Pull my finger.


    • Pull my finger.

      It’s always gratifying to see the zeal of recent converts.

      Once, on the way back from a NSW Budget Estimates Committee hearing, I found myself sharing a lift with then Police Commissioner Peter Ryan. He’d just faced some tough questioning over expenses claimed for a holiday in Europe with his wife and was clearly in need of solace. So I released a silent blessing upon him.

      Being a stoic, old-style copper Ryan maintained an impassive demeanor, but I could tell transmission of the lineage had taken place by the tears coming from his eyes.

      Shortly afterwards this was confirmed by an ALP staffer who confided that Ryan “Had His Head Up His Arse” and was “Up Shit Creek Without a Paddle”.

      Within little more than a month Peter Ryan had resigned from his sacrilegious position and returned to the UK with his family, doubtless to become a Mahafartist Missionary to the benighted Old Blighty.


  2. I said pull my finger not my leg!


    • Hey! True story. Well, I may have imagined the tears in his eyes. I’d been busting for a fart for half the hearings and planned to get outside to do it, but being in an elevator with the state’s top cop wasn’t an opportunity to be missed.

      Mind you, the staffer was claiming Ryan was sunk because Alan Jones and his coterie of corrupt, racist cops (excuse the tautology) had it in for him. But who’s ever heard of Australian political decisions being influenced by shock-jocks? An outrageous suggestion. You’ll have people claiming Michael Costa was only made Police Minister at Jones’ insistence next. Ryan obviously left his job because he’d been Infused With The Odour of The Arsehole Above.


  3. but being in an elevator with the state’s top cop wasn’t an opportunity to be missed

    All hail, the Lord of the Ring!


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