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All paths are One. Mine. (Guru lesson #17)


“Oh Master, which religious faith should I follow?”

If you have correctly indoctrinated your followers this should be a question you will never hear. The answer is obvious after all. You.

However your followers will doubtless include many weak-minded and confused people – if you have selected and trained them properly – and such people are prone to weak-minded and confused questions.

Do not make the mistake of simply answering “Me of course!”. Remember lesson #8, ‘Humility’.

It is vitally important to maintain your humility under all circumstances. It will help establish your superiority and is an excellent manipulation tool.

If you can’t remember anything about your follower beyond the silly name you gave her and her remaining bank balance you should gently draw from her what she expects of a religion.

Remember to make your questions sound rhetorical. You know all the answers already. By asking you are merely helping her towards an understanding of herself.

If the follower is seeking direct experience of God you might suggest Sufism or Zen Buddhism. Of course you are the definitive expert on both of these traditions. Remember lesson #11, ‘All religions are One’? Alternately you might see this as an opportunity to suggest she stops taking her medications or to sell some of your psychedelic prasad (Lesson #10, ‘Bending their will by blowing their minds’).

If she says she is looking for a community of shared faith you have clearly stuffed up. The community of the Ascended Master and his blank-staring sycophants should be all anyone should need. Centre yourself by half closing your eyes, tilting your face upwards and taking several deep slow breaths (see lesson #16, ‘Don’t use the f-word. Commune with the ineffable’).

Do not repeat the method you employed to isolate her from friends and family. Using the same lines over and over reduces their effectiveness. Unless you can get them to recite them (Lesson #14, ‘Mantras and how to price them’). Besides, no matter how much cognitive dissonance you have succeeded in inducing, it can be hard to convince someone that all religions are ‘negative’, ‘ego-bound’ and ‘holding you back from your true path’ after you have already told her all religions are inspired by the same divine message that you yourself offer in its purest form.

The best religion to suggest is the follower’s birth church. Yes, atheism too is a path to divinity. Richard Dawkins clearly knows he is God already. That’s because he is a star graduate of the course you are studying now.

Obviously your follower has already rejected the faith of her family – or it has rejected her – but no matter. You are here to help her overcome her blockages after all. The chief one being her attachment to the remnants of her life savings.

The advantages of seeking the Divine in your original church is that you already contain the seeds of the doctrine within you and you will be less likely become confused about ritual and put your shoes on your head before entering the temple. You should also be able to pick up the necessary holy books and raiments from relatives for a substantial discount, unless [*** Jewish joke deleted for excessive poor taste ***].

Don’t worry that your follower will actually leave you to convert back to her original faith. First she must be ‘deprogrammed’ of the modicum of enlightenment you have already imparted upon her, and who better to do the job than you? For a substantial consideration of course.

On the off chance that some of your followers actually do convert to a mainstream religion it would be a good idea to enter into a Conversion Kickback Agreement with local churches. Click here for application forms.

A warning. Do not send your followers to study at another New Age Cult. In all likelihood its leader has already completed Lesson #34, ‘Stealing disciples from false gurus’.

From → guru lessons

  1. Funny. Like the satire.


  2. people will find it as satire, some would think its sarcasm and funny, but its true actually. may be not written definitively in one place, but these practices are being done and have been done already. and now I know why you like me :p


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