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Vote for me and I’ll kill you. I promise.


It’s election time in Australia again.

What that means in this wonderful democratic country is that all citizens over 18 are forced under threat of fines to go to a local school or community hall and write numbers next to a list of crooks who should have numbers across their chests. No matter who you want to vote for the preferential voting system we have here ensures your ballot will eventually be distributed to one of the two parties who have had a lock on state and federal power in this country since World War II.

I have refused to play that stupid game for 34 years and I’m not going to start now, but this time the Electoral Commission has tracked me down so there is a possibility that my defiance will trigger a chain of events that will eventually see me imprisoned for contempt of court.

“Bring it on!”, I say.

This morning we received a visit from representatives of one of Australia’s gangs of brain-dead political bigots, the Liberal Party (the more conservative wing of the pro-corporate cartel that runs this country). They told my flatmate that our landlord had given them permission to put up a giant photo of the ugly mug of the lying idiot selected by their criminal organisation in the hope there would be enough fools living around here to ensure she will be given the job of betraying them for the next three years.

When told exactly where they could put their sign up they were outraged that we would dare to defy the worshipful capitalist who has deluded himself into believing he actually owns the stolen Aboriginal land we live on and became insistent that we must obey the orders of the plutocratic elite who see the rest of us as their serfs. In fact the landlord doesn’t have the legal right to leave even a paintbrush on this property without our permission and by sending those two fools to disturb our peaceful use of the house we pay through the nose to live in – without asking first and giving at least a week’s notice – he was already breaking the law.

There’s never a cop around when you need one.

If we’d let them put their poster out front, our house would probably have been fire-bombed by the staunch ALP supporters who make up the majority of local residents – and I probably would have joined them. I would then have gone around to all the houses displaying pictures of the ALP candidate and fire-bombed them too. I refuse to discriminate between people for party political reasons.

For the next few weeks everywhere I turn I will be subjected to the stupidity, lying and racist dog-whistling of the greedy megalomaniacs who seek the opportunities for graft and corruption that come with running the nation on behalf of the multinational corporations that are destroying our planet.

Billboards, junk mail, newspapers, television, radio – there is no escape. The Australian Broadcasting Commission has even gone so far as to provide us ignorant Australians with a ‘Vote Compass‘ that tells us what our political opinions are and which party we should vote for to best see our aspirations for this country crushed.

So why shouldn’t I get into the act?

I hereby announce the formation of the Australian Anarchist Satanist Party.

As the true representatives of the Australian people we promise to deliver on any narrow-minded self-interested demand anyone cares to make and as politicians we will honour all our promises equally, regardless of how impossible, idiotic or contradictory they mVote None - Anarchist Satanistay be.

Our platform is to immediately round up the candidates, members and supporters of all other political parties and slaughter the lot of them on a bloody altar under a gibbous moon. Our focus groups have shown that this vision for Australia’s future ensures we will be elected in an unprecedented landslide.

Of course as Anarchist Satanists we categorically refuse to participate in the primitive, barbaric ritual whereby our more superstitious and gullible countrymen select the demonic overlords who will punish and torture them for the next three years. We promise to stand no election candidates, take out no political advertising, distribute no preferences, leaflets or how to vote forms and put no posters of ourselves in people’s windows.

But we are pluralist, ecumenical Anarchist Satanists and will reach out to those of other parties and faiths, bringing them into our tent whether they want to be there or not.

So if the Liberal Party members who came around this morning would care to drop by and bully my flatmate again, I guarantee they will be guests of honour at our next party meeting/black mass. We are politicians though, so in the words of their sawn-off former fuhrer, they should consider it a non-core promise and they need have no reason whatsoever to believe me.

Here tory, tory, tory … I’ve got a nice big fat vote for you.

From → politics, rant

  1. When you’ve finished with that gibbous moon, I could do with a go on it in England, too.


  2. I’m proud to know the only man in Australia who has actually been sent to prison for refusing to vote. Usually if you don’t vote they send you a ticket, or force you to come up with an excuse. He did not do so and was jailed.

    Sign me up to your party, Anarchist Satanists have the BEST campaign rallies. 😉 Of course I don’t vote, being a furriner and all. But I can recite a mean Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram.


    • Cool.
      I may be asking you about his exact technique later.

      What I anticipate is that when I ignore their demands for excuses etc I will eventually end up in court.

      That’s when they’ll hear my ‘excuse’ – and it will make the rant above sound like nursery rhyme time at Play School.

      I know people who’ve gone down for contempt of court for far less.


  3. Based on the response to my post I am able to proudly declare that the Anarchist Satanists are now the fastest growing political party in the country, in percentage terms.

    I am sure that if I can get it registered on the ABC Vote Compass the resultant swing in polling support will force the major parties to mount an immediate response.

    Expect to soon see Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott appear on the hustings in black robes and fake horns. Their ‘sexy candidates‘ will be campaigning naked with arcane runes painted across their bodies.

    The Anarchist Satanist Party is now prepared to enter into preference negotiations with the first Prime Ministerial aspirant to announce he will sacrifice himself to Beelzebub should he win the election.


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