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Fear of flying

07/08/2013

Apparently the NSA has intercepted phone calls indicating Al Qaeda plans to blow up a balloon or something.

US ambassadors in Arab countries are hiding under their beds and Western citizens worldwide have been advised to wet themselves and run in circles screaming.

I know that many of you are now too frightened to get on a plane so in the interest of reducing fear, terror, shock, awe and all the other scary things that have been so popular since 9/11 I thought I’d share some advice on how to make your airline flight less stressful.

Firstly, ensure there are two towels in your carry on luggage. Some airports may not allow this, as terrorists might take over the aircraft by wetting their towels and threatening to flick the pilots unless they fly into a skyscraper.

When you reach cruising altitude and the seat-belt lights go out, inquire loudly but politely of a stewardess as to the direction of Mecca.

Remove one towel from your bag and wrap it around your head. Spread the other in the aisle and kneel on it.

Repeatedly bring your head forward and bang it on the floor of the aircraft (if you have put your head towel on correctly this shouldn’t hurt too much). While doing so, chant a series of incomprehensible syllables from the back of your throat, interspersed with the occasional cry of “Al Qaeda” and “Osama bin Laden”. End your chant with “Jihaad, Jihaad, JIHAAD!!”.

Congratulations.
You are now the calmest person on the plane.

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From → racism, rant

One Comment
  1. That is pretty fucking funny. And I’m not one to take such jokes lightly. I was in New York City on 9/11.

    You know what nobody ever mentions when they discuss 9/11 and its aftermath? The smell.

    For weeks afterward, the air in NYC was polluted with a nauseating odor of smoke, burnt metal and concrete dust. You couldn’t leave the house without inhaling a reminder of the event at every moment. That smell is imprinted on my brain forever.

    Like

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