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I’m addicted


Dammit, addicted again.

I’ve been using pot to take the edge off my recent mania, give me back some appetite and help get a solid night’s sleep.Ahh, magic And because I like pot.

Seems I overdid it.

Don’t let anyone tell you cannabis isn’t addictive.
OK, it’s not one of the bad ones like alcohol or gambling that’s going to ruin what’s left of my life, health and savings, but it’s still annoying.
Worse than annoying.

I’m not addicted because of withdrawal symptoms. Loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, scattered thoughts, problems regulating body temperature, itchiness, general irritability … Maybe four days of feeling slightly ill and another week or two of bouts of mild discomfort.
Except it won’t take that long this time. I’d only been smoking pot for a couple of weeks.

Withdrawal symptoms are just the price you pay for repeated pleasure. You’ll get them whenever you stop doing anything enjoyable. For me, pot is easily worth its withdrawals. Withdrawal symptoms aren’t what made me addicted.

It’s not habit formation either.

Yeah, I get a moment of funk when I start anticipating my post dinner bong only to realise I’m not smoking any today. But that’s trivial stuff. It’s nothing like when I gave up smack and was brought face to face with how big a part it played in my life. How nearly every waking moment was concerned in some way with the acquisition and  use of heroin. Finding some other recreation to fill a few minutes after a meal is hardly the same as rearranging your entire life and ditching nearly all your friends.

I haven’t just got a mild habit. I’m addicted.

I’ve always been painfully aware of what happens to people who use substances to cope with life’s emotional crises. You start using a needle to deal with grief, trauma or heartbreak and pretty soon that’s all you’ve got to deal with them. When you give up the drug you are suddenly trying to face adult problems with the emotional resources of a child.

Of my junkie friends who survived some cleaned up their lives, some stuck with heroin and some shifted to another substance. As far as I know, none of those who consistently used smack as an emotional crutch got completely clean.

So the hopeless addiction of the self-crippled has never been my problem. Just the problem of those I have loved.

No, I’m addicted because I did something I regret in order to access my drug of choice while knowing I would come to regret it.
That’s when you know the drug has defeated your willpower. You can no longer pretend you are the master of your substance use.

What I did was snap viciously at someone I care about because she was trying to interfere with my drug use.
Not because she was trying to interfere. Because she was delaying me from smoking a bong.

I put desire for a substance above respect for a friend.

If that’s not addiction I don’t know what is.

I’d better spend a month or so clean and get my priorities sorted.

From → autobiography, hurts

  1. Very well said ! Always love your thoughts on any topic ….. “You start using a needle to deal with grief, trauma or heartbreak and pretty soon that’s all you’ve got to deal with them.”
    And yet take this addiction as good 🙂 Harry Potter never depresses anyone 😉 Wish you all the best !


    • And yet take this addiction as good

      Well, its good that I spotted it and am now more determined to avoid it in the future.

      But its bad it happened at all – I thought I’d already learned enough about that trap to avoid it.

      For someone who dislikes control I get mighty antsy when I feel I’ve lost some.


  2. I cope up my grief letting tears rolling down from eyes and sleeping for a long time….never do anything that you are going to regret……try to think to resolve it always works…..great writing!…


    • I think I’m through the worst of my pain and grief now, but I wouldn’t have made it through the last decade without lots of sleep. There were lots of tears too, but I’m not sure they helped.

      great writing!

      I’ve seen your blog and take that as a great compliment from someone who knows what she is talking about.


  3. pot and heroine are too mainstream. i dont like them. here is what we do (me and my roommate) get good alcohol plus food plus weed plus cigs plus a tiresome movie. smoke cigs while eating food with alcohol and watch movie plus smoke weed in between. guarenteed 5 hours of solid sleep and not too addictive. oh and oxygen shots are not addictive and they are nice.


    • I don’t like more than a little alcohol at a time. If I have enough to get sleepy its enough to make me feel pretty crap too – especially the next day.

      Besides, both my Dad and brother ended up with lifelong cig and alcohol addictions. It was the cigs that killed my Dad but alcohol made a bit of a mess of both their lives.

      But probably the main reason I need to avoid alcohol when I’m manic is that when Australian police run across drunken, manic black men bad things generally happen. Often fatally bad things.


  4. i live in a country where alcohol is prohibited to be sold even

    Funny thing about my Muslim friends who drink.

    All of them live in countries where its banned for them and only a couple of them can hold their alcohol .

    Muslims in Australia can legally drink but I’m yet to meet even a secular Australian ‘Muslim’ who does (or admits to it at least).

    For a while I hung out in Singapore with a dude from a very religious Pakistani family who was there smuggling hash in cigarettes (this was before Singapore banned duty free cig imports). He was excited beyond belief at his first chance to try alcohol and more than a little scared. He made a point of drinking a beer every night when we went out for dinner but never got drunk. He also ordered pork sate twice but couldn’t bring himself to eat any. Fine by me – it was yummy.


    • I am not a muslim, I dont follow any religion, I think they all are just one religion divided into different names for manipulating people. but yes I love muslims who fuck and drink and keeps fasts. same with christians and others. I havent tasted pork but I had some sea food and lizards and they were yummy.

      Na tera Khuda koi aor hay, Na mera Khuda koi aor hay
      Yeh jo rastay hain juda juda, yeh mamla koi aor hay

      Neither your God is different from mine and nor mine is different from yours
      all these paths that separate us is another phenomenon


  5. Sounds like you might be addicted to lizards Fahaad.

    I can tell you from experience that Australian black snakes are particularly yummy too.
    If you’re ever in the country be sure to drop me a line so we can do dinner.


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