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If I had a chest I’d pin it on


Please take me away from this ridiculous blogI just got nominated for an award.

First thing I thought was ‘Uh-oh’.
Awards always do that to me.

Because its either a nasty award like an Ernie and everyone hates you because you got it.
Or its a nice award like an Emmy and everyone hates you because they didn’t.

Its not like I have to do anything draconian to get this one, like write an inspiring post, do two hundred sit ups or start making sense.
I just have to make up seven lies that make me look good and think of fifteen bloggers I want to like me.
Am I allowed to choose porno sites?

Then I get a cute picture to put on my blog.
And a warm feeling inside.

Or I could forget about the seven lies and fifteen bloggers, steal the picture and skip the warm feeling.

But I’ve got this raging narcissism habit and I really shouldn’t … big lumps of unconditional praise … YESS!!!!
Psst, have you got any more awards?
I can pay.

Can I be sure that young lady is OK with this?
She looks kinda young.
I don’t want to be done for trafficking or anything.
Us pervy old men on the internet can’t be too careful these days.
We get a lot of bad press.

So I was going to graciously decline, or ignore, or scorn or whatever it is you’re doing when you refuse a gift from a beautiful thoughtful soul who just wishes you well.

But then I had a thought.

The power of fifteen!

If I send this award out to fifteen bloggers and they send it to fifteen more and they send it to …
By morning the number of simultaneous postings of the Shine On award will be in the thousands of quadrillions!!!
The internet will be brought to its knees!!!

But what to do with this powerful tool of mayhem and destruction that has fallen into my hands?
I know.
Make Demands!

So come on all you Shine On awardees, instead of telling everyone seven facts about yourselves, tell the oppressors what the facts will be for them!
Nothing is too big or too small. The sheer power of cyberspace numbers ensures every human demand possible will have been made by the middle of next week.

Demand Everything!
Shine On!

My Seven unnegotiable ultimatems:

1. I demand that Telstra give me a proper phone line to go with their proper bills! And that their Customer Service Managers are shot!

2. I demand that Australian police and prison officers that murder people go to prison! And that prisons are abolished!

3. I demand that Geraldine Doogue stops being so stupid and that Margaret Thatcher stays dead!

4. I demand that religious fakers stop conning everyone or learn to do it properly.

5. I demand that the invaders who have blighted our lands for more than two centuries surrender immediately and unconditionally!

6. I demand that you stop acting like us lunatics want to kill you! Or that you turn your backs on us for just one second.

7. I demand that Peter Singer shut the fuck up! And Ludwig Minelli! And … oh, fuck it, ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!

Right, here comes the hard bit. At least it’s nice and quiet now so I can concentrate.
Because here’s where I install the warhead.
The fifteen bloggers who will become 225 then 3375 then 50,625, 759,375, 11,390,625 …or am I supposed to use the key with the ‘!’ on it to work this out?
Well anyway, we’ll go exponential, or geometric, or factorial or viral or something really huge like that.

But I’ve got to be careful with this.
I can’t just nominate the blogger who nominated me or others from her list.
That would not only be incest, it could lead to a self-referential feedback loop that would end with everyone giving themselves the award.
Narcissism would collapse into solipsism.
Human interconnectivity rendered impossible.
I wouldn’t be able to read my emails!

Do I know fifteen other bloggers?
What if I know sixteen?
I’d have to leave someone out.
That would be so terrible for them.

No, wait a minute. I calculate that by tiffin tomorrow every man, woman and child on the planet will have received the Shine On award over 1.75 trillion times, and awarded it 26.25 trillion times. So nobody will notice if I skip them once or twice.

And it will go on forever getting bigger and bigger until the whole internet goes nova and ‘Shine On!’ shines forth into the limitless darkness of the indifferent cosmos!

I’d better get on with it then.

Fifteen people I want to crawl to or annoy

1. Maggie. For devoting her life to pissing off the sort of people I don’t like. Including me.

2. stavvers. For working up fantastic rants about anything or nothing.

3. tyrion17voldemort for proving there are people on the internet as fucked up as I am. You’re pretty advanced. Took me decades longer to get where you are now.

4. Erica. For bleeding out on your blog, lapping it up in front of our horrified eyes, then grinning.

5. Tara. For a bad attitude about everything from babies to the Buddha.

6. Sasha. Because she’s a woman who has just started blogging so she’d better start getting used to the abuse. Suck on this, Sasha.

7. Deana. For the dissection of self-delusion.

8. bronxboy55. For working in advertising yet still being able to believe he has bright ideas.

9. icad. For all the cheering posts on rape, violence and abuse of the vulnerable.

10. Morbid Insanity No matter how bad I feel, I’ll always know there is someone feeling worse.

11. crazyaboutbipolar. For opening up about your mental illness and showing us all true lunacy.

12. gmercier for confirming what Hunter S Thompson told us about lawyers.

13. Brooke. For talking dirty to us.

14. Living Archives because it didn’t end at Auschwitz.

15. Finally, I’d just like to say I wouldn’t be here tonight to accept this award were it not for my dear, old … No wait. My Mum doesn’t blog. I know. I’ll give it to her kid brother.
For my dear, dear uncle for helping to make me what I am today. A confused mess. C’mon everyone give him a big hand. He needs it.

But I’m not going to send emails out to everyone. That’s a lot of work. Some of these people are a bit creepy – they might cyberstalk me. There’s trolls out there you know.

And don’t the NSA hack headers?

Nah, anyone wants any awards from me they’ll just have to come over to my blog and get them.

From → narcissism

  1. Oh, it’s on, brother.

    Right now I demand a Cuban sandwich but I can’t be bothered to cook one. So please bring me some roast pork, ham, sourdough and Swiss cheese from wherever you are. Chop chop.


  2. Morbid Insanity permalink

    “No matter how bad I feel, I’ll always know there is someone feeling worse.”
    lol Liked it! And does it make you feel a bit better?


    • Of course not.
      Makes me feel jealous ;).


      • Morbid Insanity permalink

        I would not feel bad at all if that could make you (or anybody) feel better.

        Jealous?!… … (I’m too lazy to think about something to add) lol


  3. was that a compliment or feeling jealous again? 😀


  4. actually i am a bit grateful to get to know these other some bloggers who are as funny as you. oh and i would totally write cheerful stories on not cheerful things if stalkers stop stalking me and stop reporting my blog. wrote a detailed account of how it feels to be raped once. my blog got deleted 😀


  5. Rexie permalink

    No time as yet to comment on all your seven ultimatums. One thing though, to a certain extent I agree prisons must be abolished because when you look at them it amounts to criminalising the criminal which means that bad reforms only end up making super-criminals. But what purpose does it serve? No purpose. I still like criminals to be shut up in a concrete structure but NEVER in a clearly dysfunctional philosophical structure that is the prison.


    • If you’re not a criminal you’d get pretty lonely if all the crims were locked up.

      In 1997 the NSW Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research (BOCSAR) found that over half the people in NSW had committed an imprisonable offence before they completed high school. Only a tiny proportion of criminals are ever detected and an even smaller proportion prosecuted – though if you’re a member of a persecuted minority group you are far more likely to cop the full weight of the law.

      It’s not just prisons that are dysfunctional, it’s the entire criminal justice system.
      And isn’t it just a little dysfunctional to want to lock your fellow humans away because they break laws?


      • Rexie permalink

        It’s not just prisons that are dysfunctional, it’s the entire criminal justice system.

        I will absolutely agree with you here because that is how I feel too. There are some vibrations in places like that of prison where human beings, if given power, tend to degenerate into animals (reminds me of Standford Prison Experiment). One of the worst stories of abuse that I have known were related to prison and religious institutions (and families as well!). Like prisons, I have lost all trust that the house of god could ‘sanctify’ individuals. I guess prisons and religious institutions must be totally abolished from the human existence.

        And isn’t it just a little dysfunctional to want to lock your fellow humans away because they break laws?

        I agree, caging people is not just a dysfunctional method but also such an inhumane treatment. Only a wicked person might find delight in that. But I always wondered about two things here: (1) Why do people involve in criminal activities? Is it nature or nurture? What makes them think that actions don’t have consequences? And how to ‘edify’ them, when they refuse to learn respectfully, that whether or not they like it, actions will always have consequences and they need to size up their own nature. (2) How should reform be achieved in general because each individual is a different personality? These are the questions that particularly interest me. Also, the process of reform itself has two components: first, the person committing offence has to be convincedunfailingly that he is wrong barring which he will not understand why he should reform himself; second, reform must be a process conducted with dignity so there is a positive change in the prisoner. Till all this happens, how are we to be safe from those who might have criminal tendencies in their nature, reform or not? This is where I think there must be a structure (not horrid like a prison) but something that reminds them that freedom is truly precious and that if they want to have it, they should start being responsible. There must be some procedure for this.

        Prison or not, some of my friends and I myself have had a brush with sociopaths. Sorry to say this but I felt at that moment that such people must be kept under strict vigilance otherwise the amount of wickedness and poison they spew could hurt and forever destroy as many lives they could touch. These are the ones that are actually roaming free. Wonder what kind of a reform will work on such dangerous lunatics! Reform with dignity? Not sure.


        • Why do people involve in criminal activities?

          I guess you have to start by defining ‘criminal activities’.

          Technically the state gets to say what’s criminal and a lot of people just don’t agree with what it says.

          Personally I don’t see anything wrong with drug use or dealing, prostitution, homosexuality, abortion, bathing in a costume that does not cover you neck-to-knee or driving on a public thoroughfare without someone walking ahead holding a flag or red warning lantern. But all of these things either are or have been illegal in NSW in my lifetime (Not kidding. They only cleared a lot of archaic Victorian era laws from the NSW criminal code in the 1980s).

          I also thoroughly object to the Australian law that makes it compulsory to vote in state and federal polls so I make a point of breaking it at every election.

          I have also broken laws I generally do agree with in times of desperation or because I considered my loyalty to my friends more important than adherence to the law.

          I spent several years working with a prison abolition organisation and came into contact with several serious offenders. Some very serious. But in my eyes none were more immoral than most police and none as immoral as an average Australian politician.

          I think there’s a lot of people whose lives are too difficult to incorporate the luxury of also complying with the law. Some people are under too much pressure to even take others into consideration.

          Prison or not, some of my friends and I myself have had a brush with sociopaths.

          Funny. Everyone I know says they have had a brush with a sociopath but when I ask them where they just sigh and turn away.

          I don’t believe in evil but I do believe it’s possible to find something so alien that its morality is tantamount to evil from your point of view. Sociopaths fall into that category.

          But to me the most ‘evil’ things are not people at all but institutions.

          I don’t know if they’re sentient but I am convinced that institutions are a kind of artificial life form that evolves in a competitive environment completely alien to our own (e.g. ‘the market’ or the ‘community of nations’). Because their survival imperatives are so different to ours their values are also so alien as to constitute ‘evil’.

          The people who adopt the ethics of institutions instead of humans (e.g. free marketeers, patriots, religious fundamentalists, ‘company men’) are the true sociopaths. I really think the problems caused by conventional sociopaths are pretty small beer compared to that lot.


  6. Rexie permalink

    Funny. I never considered any of the activities you mention as criminal. For me anything done to do direct and grievous harm to human life – very anthropomorphic, but the institution are human as well – is criminal, dangerously criminal. This is why the police appears to be more criminal than the criminals themselves.

    Funny. Everyone I know says they have had a brush with a sociopath but when I ask them where they just sigh and turn away.

    I can tell you (definitely not like this and not here on the web) but will it change the situation? This is the first thing that matters to me.

    I have to agree with your definition of true sociopaths. After these discussions and thinking about these issues this evening, I feel a bit angry and drained too.


    • I can tell you (definitely not like this and not here on the web) but will it change the situation? This is the first thing that matters to me.

      What I originally said was a self-deprecatory reference to the fact that my Aspergers behaviour has sometimes prompted people to suggest I am totally lacking empathy (i.e. a psychopath).

      If empathy means ‘understanding the emotional states of others’ they are probably right but if it means ‘caring if others are harmed’ they are wrong.


  7. Rexie permalink

    *anthropocentric* not anthropomorphic. I truly need to rest now. Write me a nice poem Cabrogal. Lol.


  8. Rexie permalink

    Are you joking? When you wrote about Les, I was so touched. Whoever thinks you lack empathy must be an idiot or someone full of his superior self. So says Rexie the great! 😀


    • I often don’t understand when people are hurt or how I hurt them.
      Sometimes I feel so overcome by the strong emotions of others I just shut myself off from them.
      Often I am so caught up in an idea I just charge on full speed, oblivious to the effect that idea and my way of expressing it has on others.

      That upsets people.
      So they call me a psychopath (or, more often, ‘cruel’ or ‘callous’).

      I don’t think I’m a psychopath and I’m not deliberately cruel but ‘callous’ feels pretty close to the mark at times. I think I probably care less about kith and kin but more about people in general than most Australians.


  9. Rexie permalink

    I think you are a fabulous individual. The truth is that you are a ‘no fluff and nonsense’ person and people may not be used to that kind of directness that lacks the adornment made of sweetness of emotions. Even so, it is brutal to call you a psychopath. I guess you are the kind of man who would be there with others in the times of need, as long as you are convinced that the need is honest.


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