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Hangin’ with the Goddess

17/07/2013

I call myself a skeptical agnostic, which is to say I generally approach questions of truth and reality from a critical, rationalist perspective while keeping in mind that most things are and will remain beyond my experience or understanding.

I also experience Gods and Goddesses.

Now hang on a minute. I call myself agnostic but say I talk to deities. Shouldn’t I be calling myself an irrational hypocrite?

Well I do that too most days.

When I call myself a skeptical agnostic or an anarcho-syndicalist, I’m talking about the philosophical frameworks I use to try to interpret and inform my ideas and experiences, not the ideas and experiences themselves. Some experiences just don’t fit the frameworks, but that doesn’t mean I should twist them until they do or toss out the framework. I’m no Dawkinist.

What I would like to be is a relaxed nihilist. Someone without an ideology that might filter experience or impose prejudice. But my mind just isn’t that open.

So when I have direct experience of a goddess, I don’t assume I’m in touch with a deity from some pantheon or a trickster demon from Hell. I don’t assume that my brain chemicals have fooled me or I’ve got serious, unresolved issues with my mother. I don’t assume I can explain it or need to.

Because the experience is nice. I like it. Since its not a problem, there is nothing I need to do about it.

I can just mellow out and accept it as it is.

My sin comes later. I try to understand it.

Never works.

I can’t be rational about Her. But I can rationalise Her.

I seriously doubt my ‘goddesses’ have any basis in objective reality. I don’t think anyone else would be able to perceive, measure or detect them. I’m yet to receive anything from them that could not have come from within my own head.

Just try telling yourself that when there’s a Goddess in the room.

The Goddess I call ‘the Dancer’ seems very much to be a personalised mirror correlate of myself. She is the things I believe I am not. Because She is – to me – so overwhelmingly positive She is particularly suited to revealing the hidden aspects of myself I consider negative. In some cases – not as many as psychotherapy would have you believe – to reveal is to repair. Her touch negates trauma and pain. For me, She is a healing Goddess.

I very recently discovered the writings of the fascist theologian, Mircea Eliade. So recently I am in a poor position to discuss them. What leaped out at me was his notion that hierophanies (experiences of the sacred) are manifestations of hidden opposition. Works for me. Now if I can just hold my nose long enough to chew over some of his ideas. At least he wasn’t a racist fascist.

So whether the Dancer is part of me, whether I’m part of Her, whether She’s part of what I’m not, whether we are One, whether we are Other, whether we are I-One and yet You-Two. The Uno or the Bono. I think I’m starting to understand why theologians always look so constipated.

Anyway the fact is I occasionally experience her during psychotic episodes and altered states. Since late last year.

If She is part of me, it is a part I don’t have conscious access to. So She is a separate personality. A separate being. And  I treat Her with the respect due a separate being – especially one as awesome as She is. That means I acknowledge Her autonomy in both my thinking and writing.

But I don’t just acknowledge Her autonomy. I acknowledge Her divinity.

I wish I could say I acknowledge everyone’s divinity at all times, but the truth is I’m only capable of seeing the divine in others on the rare occasions when I can see it in myself. If you knew how I saw myself most of the time you’d know why I’m always scowling.

But the Dancer is beyond awesome. She is an omnipresent creative principle. She loves me in a way that only someone who knows me completely could. She is definitely a goddess. They don’t make fairies like that.

I don’t even begin to imagine I understand Her, much less ‘believe’ in Her. I just experience Her.

I remain agnostic.

Why am I prattling incoherent philosophical positions that no one else cares about?

I figure sometime soon I’m going to get an overwhelming urge to try (and fail) to describe what happened to/with/of me over the past day or so. I’m trying to set some context.

Nah, I’m just splashing it all over the keyboard again.

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6 Comments
  1. I veer from hippie-dippy mystical spirituality, to full-on atheism, sometimes from day to day. One shelf full of occult books and the shelf below it filled with the works of Harris, Hitchens, and Penn Jillette.

    Does the phrase “Knowledge and Conversation of your Holy Guardian Angel” mean anything to you? It came to mind when you were discussing your Goddess.

    And *AHEM* not acknowledging my divinity is going to be a problem. (LOL)

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    • Does the phrase “Knowledge and Conversation of your Holy Guardian Angel” mean anything to you?

      Umm, if I say ‘no’ do I burn in hell or get hit by lightning or catch a pox or something?
      You can never be too careful with other people’s gods ;).

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      • LOL no, nothing like that. 😉

        It’s a concept from Thelema and other kinds of ceremonial magic, discovering the truthful self whether within or without. Crowley devised rituals and practices to achieve this state. He thought it was essential to being able to achieve your True Will. That’s what his famous dictum Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law” means…. that you should follow your true path, your “destiny” if I may be permitted to use such a hokey word. A lot of people misinterpret it as “Do whatever you want”, as if it were a licence for uninhibited hedonism, when that is actually the opposite of the truth.

        The problem comes when people realize it’s more synachist than anarchist. That makes them nervous. 😉

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        • Hey, like I get how Crowley was a true mystic and a fine religious scholar with a talent for synthesis.

          But he was also kinda melodramatic, megalomaniac and lacking in insight.

          I find it so hard to sort the truth from the crap with him.
          And even in his day his rituals were pretty kitsch.

          Just like with myself, really.

          Like

        • Oh, for sure Crowley was a nutter and a self-promoter. His insight though? One can’t doubt that he was a sincere seeker. He tortured himself physically and spiritually to extremes in order to find his way to what he considered the True Will. By all reports he had a pretty bad impact on those close to him as well.

          I’m not a Thelemite but AC is one of the many figures I have drawn wisdom from in my hopelessly confused vision of the universe. 😀

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  2. he was also kinda melodramatic, megalomaniac and lacking in insight.

    Oh, for sure Crowley was a nutter and a self-promoter. His insight though? One can’t doubt that he was a sincere seeker. He tortured himself physically and spiritually to extremes in order to find his way to what he considered the True Will. By all reports he had a pretty bad impact on those close to him as well.

    Yeah, OK, OK, the parallels are inescapable.
    I even agree with him about True Will and promote it using methods as lurid and puerile as he.

    But that doesn’t mean I have to like the guy.
    I don’t like me do I?

    Like

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