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Becoming a guru – lesson #5


In this lesson I will be teaching how to convince yourself of your unique and powerful perspective on the nature of reality that is so vital to spread to the suffering masses.

A lot of aspiring cult leaders omit this important step, but converting people to a religion that you yourself don’t believe is cynical and negative.

Finding faith in your own divinity is also excellent practice. How do you expect to fool others if you can’t even fool yourself?

We shall start at the beginning, your birth.

Do you remember your mother telling you of the significant events surrounding her pregnancy?
This should be easy for any first children among you.
The supernatural storm that struck the district when she was choosing your bassinet?
The strange little man seen lurking outside the maternity ward shortly before she went into labour? Perhaps you are a changeling.
Did she make incomprehensible noises? Maybe she was speaking in tongues or the language of Lost Atlantis.
Does she remember nothing about your birth at all? Did the space aliens have to erase her memory to protect their secrets?

Did you have a childhood illness that gave you mysterious visions?
Was there a miraculous cure?
Did you speak to invisible friends? Did they answer?

C’mon guys and gals, there’s got to be something from your earliest life that marked you out as The Chosen One.
Everyone’s got that.

Do you identify strongly with one of history’s Leaders?
Cleopatra? Napoleon? Richard Nixon?
Now close your eyes, rub your temples and recall your previous lives.

Were you implacably drawn to words of wisdom?
The true meaning of ancient desk calendars?
That which can only be spoken by a few special people like you?
Did you memorise the entire dialogue of ‘Life of Brian’?

That kid in the corner no-one talked to at school?
He was probably a Jew or Arab or something.
You had early exposure to exotic traditions.

Have you read ‘A Course in Miracles‘? ‘The Secret’? ‘Steppenwolf’? ‘The Lord of the Rings’?
All those hours hunched over arcane texts must have been worth something.
Look what they did for Aleister Crowley and L Ron Hubbard.

Did you practice self-denial and abnegation?
It was only through the depths of despair that you reached the heavens.
Your family was one of the poorest in your suburb?
You’re allergic to gluten?
A pet that you really, really love died? But only after it communicated one of the fundamental truths of life?
No one else suffered quite like you did. They just can’t know what it’s like.

What about arcane practices and rituals?
Spent a weekend in an ashram?
Chanted a lot or took lots of drugs?
Gone to a dance?
Gone on a cleansing diet?
Ever done Yoga or Tai-Chi?
Got into role-playing games?
Do you burn a lot of incense?

Consider the profound lessons life has taught you.
All of those bitter, boring anecdotes you tell about how your ex-spouse did you over, how your family failed you, how the system betrayed you. How you learned to stand above it all because justice and righteousness are on your side.
That’s how you learned to draw wisdom and happiness from life’s most adverse situations.
How you learned the true meaning of forgiveness. As long as that poisonous bitch doesn’t come anywhere near you again.
And if you’ve got two former partners you can’t stand – that’s synchronicity! A sign!

But most crucial is the moment of transcendence.
That flash of realisation that you are wise and important and people should buy your book.
Was there a bright light in the desert the night you nearly got run over by a road train?
Did Jesus talk to you from the white noise between radio stations?
Did you encounter a rain-coated wizard in the park who showed you something very special?
Did you hit your head really hard and see stars?

By now you have realised you are a unique being on a special mission.
The One selected by Fate to take mankind to the next Level.
You have a vital message to transmit directly and personally into every living soul, for $29.95 plus postage and handling.

Now you’ve got their attention.
Next week we’ll think up something to tell them.

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