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I don’t drive it, I ride it

16/07/2013

As some readers will have guessed from some of my recent posts and comments, I’ve lost the plot again.

I’m still pretty out of it, but I think it’s passing. Maybe.

It’s still too early for me to try to write about it. Lots of reasons, including that I don’t want to ‘mutilate’ the ongoing experience to make it fit into thoughts and words.

But it’s good. It’s all good.

One thing I’ve learned that I do want to talk about now is that I’ve been getting really hubristic and arrogant about my insanity.

I don’t really control my mood swings or the onset and duration of my psychoses. I’d fooled myself by the way they’ve recently been following an almost predictable pattern. Even there, I’ve been doing some of the ‘predicting’ after the fact. Retrofitting ‘signs’ to my thoughts and feelings that I either didn’t see or didn’t interpret properly at the time.

I lost insight into my mania over a week ago, but thought I was buzzing along at a comfortable level, monitoring my words and behaviour, avoiding – or at least hiding – the arrogance and stupidity that comes with it.
I wasn’t.

Apologies to anyone I’ve upset or disrespected. You know who you are.

Can you now see why I dump this stuff on my blog (and other people’s blogs – oops) instead of inflicting it on family and friends? That had been one reason I don’t have many friends.

I thought I had kept my head more or less under control and that when the psychotic break came it would be of my time and choosing. It wasn’t and isn’t.

I don’t sit at the control panel of my mind, pushing buttons and making it perform. I just hang on and hope for the best.

Luckily for me – and not for so many others with mental illness – the ‘best’ is sometimes exactly what my mind delivers.

And that’s all it is.

Luck.

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From → confusion, narcissism

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