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Here it comes


I think I’m heading for another psychotic break. I can feel it. It’s close.

I’m slightly manic right now. My appetite is down and for the past few nights my sleep has been broken. Maybe four to five hours instead of my usual eight. It’s harder to focus my attention outwards. Distractions abound. It’s harder to keep my mouth shut. I’m more arrogant, more narcissistic. I feel more aggressive and my social judgement is impaired. I’m not actually angry or short tempered – I feel good – but I’m not as tolerant and accepting as I usually am. Nearly everything I write slides towards a rant. There seems to be a lot more people doing and saying stupid things than usual, especially in the media. I find myself tensing my muscles and clenching my jaw.

I don’t get psychotic depression. When I’m depressed I can’t go psychotic at all. Unless I get sick or take drugs I can only go psychotic if I’m in a good mood or manic. I can almost always do it when I’m manic these days.

But its not just the mania.

It’s like there’s a tickling or tingling at the sides and back of my head. But that’s not really what it is. It’s a feeling I don’t have words for, but its a physical one. I’d guess an epilepsy or migraine sufferer would call it pre-ictal.

My dreams have been vivid and abstract. Disembodied presences. Strangely shifting landscapes. Colours. Such colours.

Last night I plucked a leaf and the fractals of its veins spread to encompass everything else, yet obscured nothing. Golden sap poured from the stem down my arm, disappearing into my chest. In my dream that is. I’m not psychotic yet.

I slip into blissfulness very easily by contemplating certain indescribable things. Things like that which I call ‘The Goddess’ or the nature of being/non-being. Tears of joy flow down my cheeks. That is no dream. It happened just now.

Although my outwards attention is scattered and mindfulness more difficult, when I bring myself to my breath I can immediately attain the feeling of razor sharp clarity that usually takes many minutes to achieve, if at all. Not mindfulness. Focus.

A darkness collects around me, but it is not threatening or unpleasant. It’s very familiar and comfortable. It feels like home turf. I don’t always get this before a psychotic break, but when I do it usually seems to indicate a dark one is coming. I call it ‘walking with Kali’.

Kali herself has been on my mind a lot over the past few days. Kali, depression, darkness and death. But there is nothing negative about it. It’s all good. Very good indeed.

One of these days I will try to explain my relationship with Hindu deities. It’s not what you probably think. I doubt any Hindu or Hare Krishna would recognise it. I don’t really believe in gods. I don’t really believe in me.

I’ve been psychotic four times since last October but not for several years before then. I was too depressed.

The last time was the briefest I can recall since childhood – unless you count the ‘flashes’. No more than ten minutes all up.

The first time was the longest I have ever experienced. And the best. Four days of transcendence with that moment on the third. The instant that changed my universe forever.

I’m pretty sure I could induce one right now through mental exercises. Maybe fifteen minutes of vipassana and then the … dive? When you let go of your breath, let go of yourself and everything just … goes.

But I won’t do it now because of the ‘recovery’ time. There are chores to be done tomorrow (later today now) and I need to be able to communicate on Monday.

Often, not always, after a psychotic break I am blissed out for days. I remain in an altered state but not a psychosis or trance. My mind goes ‘non-dualist‘ and it’s an effort to pull it back into a state in which I can communicate with others – an effort I don’t want to make. I don’t ‘want’ anything at all when I’m like that. Everything is perfect just the way it is. Truly perfect.

My mindfulness is crap at the best of times. When I’m like that it goes right out the window. I’m open to everything, but can do very little. Anything that requires forward planning is impossible. I literally live from moment to moment, blown hither and thither by the winds of ‘what is’. Not really blown. I am ‘what is’.

So I’ll go psycho on Tuesday. If I can.

Sometimes if I try to put it off too long it just comes of its own accord. That’s what happened last time – sort of. It was a bong that set it off when I wasn’t expecting it. I’ve had it come by itself when I’m very tired or ill or for no apparent reason at all. Emotional distress doesn’t do it though, it makes it harder.

Sometimes the opportunity passes and I miss out. When they are coming too frequently or at inconvenient times I let them pass if I can. But I’d rather not do that. I like my psychotic episodes. A lot.

Often they bring me a precious and lasting gift. The ones bearing gifts are coming more frequently. The last four all had something for me, but they were of decreasing significance each time. Nonetheless they were all very special.

Right now I’m a bit like a kid just before Christmas. I can’t wait to see what ‘Insanity Claus‘ will bring me. I’m not really impatient, I’m quietly confident that what will come will come at the time it should be. But I am excited.

In the words of Saint Ian the Blockhead, “It’s fun to be a lunatic”.

From → mysticism

  1. do you take any pills for this?


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