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After the concert

30/04/2013

I can’t believe you asked me that.
Walk you home?
Through darkened suburbs at 2am?
Just the two of us?
With me half drunk and still buzzing from the mosh?

After all we’ve been through together.
All we’ve seen and heard.
All the offenders.
The victims.
The families and friends.
The hurt.

I fix you with a gaze.
“What is the very first thing you learn?”.

You are wavering, uncertain.
You want to hear my answer but sense the lurking rebuke.
A grin-shrug.

“Its not the guy in the shadows is the danger,
its the one on your arm”.

And you are hurt.
I’ve lost some trust.
But I am righteous.
It helps hide my fear.

No, I’m not that drunk
But I sure am high.

And I love you like a sister
But you sure are beautiful.

Sometimes I dream.
Sometimes it can seem that talking just isn’t enough.

But what if I commit a communication violation?
A wayward word? A misconstrued touch?
Would you understand?

What if you did understand?
What if we both understood?

That you are the victim
And I am the offender.

Whew, you really scared me that time.

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8 Comments
  1. Rexie permalink

    I was shivering as I was reading this. Goodness me, she had some guts! But perhaps she loved you and entrusted herself to you and you didn’t get it. You know how you never understand anything? Lol.

    Like

    • Yep, you’re dead right that I don’t understand other people’s feelings very well.

      But I don’t think she ‘loved’ me as such. We worked very well together at a professional and political level but our personal relationship was one of mutual incomprehension.

      But yeah, she did trust me. Even when I was half drunk and on the brink of mania. She trusted me more than I trusted myself. That’s way too much responsibility for me to bear. Too scary.

      Like

      • Rexie permalink

        That’s not fair! I am not dead right, I am only jokingly right. Re-read the comments on this post and you will know what I really think about you. I thought you counted on me among those who understand your personality, not misunderstand. I think it better if I keep quiet from now on because I don’t want anyone in the world to think that I misunderstand them on any level.

        Like

        • Whether you meant it as a joke or not the fact is I’m aspie and I have a lot of trouble reading other people’s feelings or anticipating their emotional response to what I do or say.

          It doesn’t mean I lack compassion, just empathy.

          Add that to the fact that when I’m hypomanic I feel invincible and infallible (and I generally am more attractive to women that way) it means I’ve had to develop a lot of behavioral checks to avoid making a gig of myself or frightening people.

          More than once I’ve had sexual partners tell me they made several passes at me before I got the message and they were wondering if I was gay or just thick. And also more than once I’ve been convinced someone found me fascinating only to discover upon talking to them that they found me bizarre or scary.

          Like

  2. Rexie permalink

    Do you like that mosh thing Cabrogal? Don’t you feel tired, drained and fatigued?

    Like

    • I love that mosh thing Rexie.

      I sure feel tired and fatigued afterwards. And sore, bruised and deafened.
      But it is one of the best feelings in the world. Better than sex.

      The only thing it compares with is body surfing in really wild, dangerous waves.

      Like

  3. For Fox Sake permalink

    “Its not the guy in the shadows is the danger,
    its the one on your arm”.

    I am so going to write this underneath the photograph taken of
    me and The Bridgegroom…..bridge?!?? (yikes! that’s a thought-provoking typo),
    as we walked down the aisle after exchanging meows…er….vows.

    Like

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