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A moment in October

10/04/2013

I’ve been prone to mystical experiences for most of my life and though I have never really known what to make of them I’ve always thought they meant something. I love puzzles and these radical departures from my usual reality somehow represented the ultimate puzzle.

A lot of study and contemplation has been directed at that puzzle and much time and energy devoted to practices and experiences that might lead to some kind of understanding of it.

Last October I had the grand-daddy of all such experiences.

I’ve never been able to find words to describe even the most inadequate shadow of my mystical experiences and that hasn’t changed.
But what I can say is that moment last October is, as far as I’m concerned, the payoff for my entire life.
Everything that has ever happened to me and will ever happen to me has a reason and that moment is it.
And no matter how bad its been, or will be, its all worth it.

Because now I know the truth.
The answer.
To Life the Universe and Everything.
Its as simple as 42, and even more obvious.

You see I am not some sort of castaway in the cosmos, exiled from blissful eternity by divine whim or my own sin.
I’m not some struggling lifeform desperately hanging onto my eyeblink of existence amid the infinity of oblivion.
And I’m not here to achieve some great thing that will somehow justify or absolve all the suffering I have inflicted upon myself and others.
I’m not the avatar of a deity, a brain and its sensory organs or a program in the matrix.I imply the universe. The universe implies me.

I am what I am because of the universe.
And the universe is what it is because of me.
I imply the universe and it returns the favour.
We justify each other.
We ARE each other.

And that simple, undeniable truth just leaps out of every feeling, experience and moment of existence.
It may not mean a damned thing to anyone but me. It may have no objective reality whatsoever. But its absolutely true.
Far more true than subjectivity, objectivity, individual existence or any words I can find to try to express it.

And its enough.
Exactly enough.

I don’t know why it took me so long to work it out, but you know what?
I always knew.

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11 Comments
  1. You have had a “partial philosophical realization of truth.” Unfortunately, because of your defensive arrogance–(you are still obviously writing as a personality that presumes itself to have a concrete, separate existence, btw)–it is unlikely to amount to more than that. There is not yet even a hint of the awakening of the Heart or even basic Bodhichitta in your case. (You would no doubt hyperlink “Bodhichitta,” because that’s what wankers do.) You will defend against this otherwise life-saving, if not kind comment by maintaining to yourself that these developments I mention are unnecessary or even non-existent. (Of course, how would you know? YOU wouldn’t.)

    Enlightenment is not an “experience,” not even the “grand-daddy of all experiences.” That’s just the ego having a good day.

    Good luck, cupcake.

    Like

    • You’re more or less right.

      The ‘experience’ was not the ‘enlightenment’ it was the mystical experience, which are experiences.

      The realisation came during the mystical experience and it was not ‘bodhi’ (enlightenment), but I’m quite satisfied it was ‘panna’ (enlightenment).

      And yes, I neither have the discipline nor the practice to interact through anything other than my ego so all of my communication – including this comment – is via my ego.

      Where you are wrong is that I’m defensive about it. I no longer have a stake in my ego, which is why I still experience the physiological correlates of depression but am untouched by it. I can see my ego for the pretty funny act it actually is (and yes, the ‘I’ that sees it is just another projection of my ego). Check out the ‘Bullshit warning’ (do you need a link?).

      The big difference is nothing.
      The big difference is everything.

      Like

    • You might also like to meditate on the post I am enlightened.

      Who knows. You may find it enlightening.

      Like

  2. Before I read this, I was reading The fault in our stars by John Green. He wrote,”The universe wants to be noticed”. And then at another place, “But we want the universe to notice us”. That came to mind while reading this.

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    • Yeah, it’s funny. You can see the universe as background and yourself as foreground or visa-versa. You can see no distinction at all, which simultaneously makes you everything and nothing.

      As you probably guessed it was this experience I drew on when I made the comment to Maria about how perfect she is.

      I really wish I could explain to everyone properly how perfect they are, but words are pretty empty when you take on a task like that. Just look at all the vapid, worthless self-help books that say essentially the same thing.

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      • I agree.
        “You can see the universe as background and yourself as foreground or visa-versa. You can see no distinction at all, which simultaneously makes you everything and nothing.”
        ^Write a book. You can be Van Houten.

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        • Umm, isn’t Van Houten a washed up alcoholic who is really nasty to the cancer-ridden fans whose dying wish was to meet him?

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        • yup. but he wrote great :p

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  3. Yeah, I know what you mean. I had a similar insight once the day after a major acid trip. Its hard to put into words, but is something like: nothing needs to justify itself, each thing is its own justification. Things just are and their being is the reason they are.

    Of course, none of it is permanent. Its like an etch a sketch: the old drawings are shaken off and replaced with new ones. But for the that moment where each thing is on the stage, it is, just because it is.

    It’s funny to look at the words. They all seem like tautologies like “I am because I am”. But that’s the irony of the whole thing. Poor people who are looking for reasons for things that go beyond the things. You can read anything you wish into the cause of things, but in the end, each thing is just an expression that is what it is.

    This level of thinking is so Zen!

    Best,

    Don

    Like

    • Of course, none of it is permanent. Its like an etch a sketch: the old drawings are shaken off and replaced with new ones. But for the that moment where each thing is on the stage, it is, just because it is

      I’ve been having similar experiences for much of my life and used to take megadoses of LSD in my early 20s when I was dealing green beaver blotters and got similar insights. But they just disappeared like smoke when I returned to my ‘normal’ modes of thinking. I often retained the ‘abstraction’ of them and hunting for the ‘reality’ behind my altered state induced abstractions has been a primary focus of my life since my first anoxia induced ones as an asthmatic child.

      But this time it’s different. For two years now I’ve had pretty much constant access to not just the abstraction of the experience but the ‘perception’ of it. And I can now recreate the altered non-dual state almost at will.

      It’s like having an infinite supply of good acid ;).

      Poor people who are looking for reasons for things that go beyond the things. You can read anything you wish into the cause of things, but in the end, each thing is just an expression that is what it is.

      Or as a wise Australian pop singer once put it, “There’s a meaning there but the meaning there doesn’t really mean a thing”.

      Like

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